Sunday, March 11, 2012

Three Units Of Measurement The World Needs

Today I share with you three scales invented by my friend Adam for measuring things that previously had no way of being measured.

1. Man Power (a.k.a. Aggression Scale or Testosterone Scale)

This one has the most difficult units to describe of the three I will talk about. One man power has been defined as "the ability to make an assertive decision." The scale goes from zero to 100 and certain stages of the scale can be described fairly easily even if the units are difficult to define.

0 is equivalent to a priest. It is pure passivity.
1-10 is normal levels of assertiveness. Falling into these numbers means you are good at deciding things for yourself and leading.
10-20 is aggression without physical violence.
20-30 is strong aggression with possible levels of object violence.
(25 is generally the "flip a table" moment)
30-40 is strong aggression with possible physical violence. This is the point when you become difficult to be around.
50 is essentially a drunk frat boy whose only thoughts are fighting and sex and how awesome he is.
60+ is when levels of incoherence start to develop.
75 is when murder is possible in the "heat of the moment" logic way.
100 is pure insanity or the Hulk. Only a few serial killers reach this level.

We have generally decided that the highest peak in the average person's life is somewhere between 30-45 with the male average higher than the female.

It should also be stated that this scale doesn't apply to things like passive resistance. Ghandi would not rank on this scale.

2. Hobo Power

This is a measure of bad smells with the unit being the scent of one hobo. One hobo generally has a smell of body odor that has built up over weeks and similarly unwashed clothes. You can't smell it from a distance but if you are standing within about two feet of one, you can.

The scale breaks down like this:

0.15 is a bad smell that you only notice if your nose is pressed into it.
0.3 is when you start to become concerned about someone's smell.
0.5 is when you start dropping hints to them.
1 is the scent of a hobo.
50 is a vomit-inducing scent.
100 is theoretical and produces death.

Good smells cannot be measured on the scale as there is no negative of a Hobo.

An adult who has pooped their pants generally falls between 10-30 Hobos as Adam and I have concluded.

3. The Wooden Acting Scale

This is a scale that works in much smaller amounts than the two previous which have a definitive cut off at 100.

The unit of measurement is a Kevin Costner although it should be noted that Kevin Costner's individual performances can rank below and above one Kevin Costner. The unit is based on his average acting level.

This one is best described through examples.

* Mark Wahlburg in "The Happening" is about 0.8 Kevin Costners.

* Hayden Christensen in the "Star Wars" prequels ranges from 0.5 to 1.5 Kevin Costners.

* Robert Pattinson in the "Twilight" movies is usually 1 to 2 Kevin Costners.

* Keanu Reeves is one of the highest ranking on this scale with his performances often ranking at 1 to 3 Kevin Costners.

Feel free to use these in your daily life.


  1. "An adult who has pooped their pants generally falls between 10-30 Hobos as Adam and I have concluded." Hahaha I don't think I even want to ask.