I just watched two episodes of "The Batman" and have thus experienced a mindfuck.
I figured let's check out "The Batman", the latest animated Batman television show for kids, and see how it compares to the critically acclaimed animated Batman series of my childhood, "Batman: The Animated Series."
Oy.
So I started with the first episode, "Bats in the Belfry," getting initially smacked in the face with a drawing style I'm not particularly fond of and bad jokes albeit a cool-ass theme song.
"You know I once toyed with the idea of buying the Gators [basketball team]. . . buying them lunch"
Bimbos: *weak laughter*
Then we have The Joker who I previous described as the missing member of Slipknot.
Now, I realize that he is actually the lovechild of the missing member of Slipknot and L from "Death Note" (especially in the way he fights) but with the same insanity of every Joker before him and worse jokes.
"Look! Nothing up my sleeves!"
Let's just say I miss Mark Hamil, Paul Dini and Bruce Timm. A lot.
So after a fairly standard first episode, I fast forwarded three seasons to season 4, episode 8, "Two of a Kind," where Harley Quinn comes into the show. I figured after four seasons any roughness in the beginning would be worked out and I chose this episode because Harley and the Joker are my favorite characters.
Apparently, the Joker fucking with Harley's mind for sport, abusing her, pushing her out a window, and generally treating her more like a dog than a girlfriend or henchgirl is not quite kid friendly. Also, Harley trying to seduce him and calling him "Daddy" has been left out.
So what do you get instead?
After a typical fight with the Joker (who had developed eyeliner), his goons (named Punch and Judy, haha), and the Bat family, Joker must leave said tied-up goons to catch his favorite show.
"Don't look at me like that. I'm going to be late!"
Nail polish?
I seriously feel this reimagining of the Joker is meant to appeal to every middle school male stereotype from the last twenty years. He's got the hair for the rockers/dirty hippies (green for punks, dreads for hippies, to be exact), the eyeliner and nail polish for the emos, the suit over tights for the hipsters, the male jogging tights (testosterosal) for jocks, the skateboard for the skaters, and well, he's supposed to have the intelligence for the nerds but I question this Joker's intelligence frequently.
Anyway, onto trashy television!
"Here's Harley!"
Who looks like every chick I hated in high school. This Harley manages to be way more of a bimbo than the original (who, while ditzy, is quite smart and very skilled at stealing and killing). Probably because she was never a respected psychiatrist at all and dishes out the dumbest advice ever.
"Three words, Romeo: Flowers, flowers, flowers! And don't take no for an answer!"
She also rhymes a lot.
I must note, that I like how her name is in the full shot. The actual technical skills of the animation are very good; I just personally don't like the art style.
The Joker has strong feelings about the show of course.
"Pop psychology at it's worst! That girl's theories are unfounded! Her professional manner's a joke! And her training, if any, is shotty at best! . . . I love this show! The girl's more screw-loose than me!"
A match made in the good part of Hell, clearly.
Harley finds out backstage that her show is going to be cancelled due to the fact that she's a total idiot. She doesn't handle it intelligently, gloating about how she loves that her show is a circus.
"Are you questioning me? Every one with an online degree in psychology raise your hand!"
Oh God, the horrors.
But I watched on. Had to see if she would get cooler after her change.
She invites Bruce Wayne on the show to ignore his plugs about his charities in favor of secretly inviting his ex onstage to take about his love life. Enter Jerry Stringer.
"Out Bruce Wayne runs, leaving me to pay the check!"
"How terrible!"
Did that girl steal her shirt from the bimbo in the first screencap? Maybe Bruce shops for women at the same place all the time. Bimbos Who Dress Like Slutty Children . . . R Us.
Best and Worst part of this scene: When Harley says, "Give us the juice, Bruce." With her strange, not-quite-Harley-Quinn accent, it is painfully funny.
The Joker is a frequent watcher and caller who called himself "Mister J" of course.
"I just wanted to say men like Bruce Wayne deserve to be baked into a giant pie and launched into the side of a building . . . figuratively speaking of course."
Harley giggles in response.
Bruce tries to leave.
Show is announced as being cancelled on air and Joker says, "Oh the poor kid! Yanked out midshow! She's going to be an emotional wreak! . . . Someone should take advantage of that!"
Yay! Roofies!
Harley mopes at home over not getting respect, citing that, "No one can see past my playful exterior!"
Right, that's it.
The Joker comes to her house and introduces himself as "Mister J" to Harley's surprise.
Regardless, she tells him she wants to hang out and follows him to his love nest because that's obviously what you do when a serial killer comes to your door, geeking out about how he's your biggest fan. Duh.
She uses the classic "Extreme personalities intrigue me" line and says that he could be her ticket to getting her show back again and finally getting respect.
Did I also mention I miss Arleen Sorkin? Because I do.
"Oh, so you're stringing old Mister J along just to write some tell-all book!?"
"I'll split the profits with you 50/50!"
"You've got moxy! I feed moxy to the hyenas."
Hyenas come.
Harley commands them to sit.
They listen.
Joker respects.
They each have a quick therapy session for no discernable reason.
"For as long as I can remember I've wanted to make people laugh."
"I see."
Cut to Batman poking his nose around where it doesn't yet belong.
Insert rare funny joke from Batgirl about Bruce anaylizing the Freudian implications of Penguin's umbrella.
One guess: Penis substitute.
"It's bad enough the network said I wasn't a real psychologist: they said I was a joke!"
"I happen to like jokes."
Oh, woe is me.
Joker suggests they have a "night on the town" to cheer up. Harley is concerned about it being unprofessional (because she is so professional) so he finds her a costume from his many bizarre choices that he keeps for impromteau henchgirls (presumably) so no one will recognize her.
Um, ta-da?
She gets dressed up.
The Joker pants inappropriately at her and they go on a series of mildly destructive but untimately harmless antics.
While singing the corniest song ever.
*throws up in mouth*
I honestly had to mute it while I got a screen shot because I'll be damned if I ever listen to that song again.
I couldn't find the lyrics, unfortunately (actually, luckily).
Batman ruins fun, as usual.
Somehow they end up on an outdoor elevator where Harley decides to practice her sexy posing since the Harley Quinn from "Batman: The Animated Series" probably warned her that if she doesn't start trying to having sex with him now, it's never gonna happen.
"Has anyone ever survived a night out with you?"
"There's a first time for everything."
Batman takes off Harley's mask to see her true identity and she and the Joker escape using an umbrella (Joker: "A tip I learned from Penguin").
Apparently Bruce told Gotham's news team. Dick.
"The doctor has been sporting a new look . . ."
Then Dr. Phil (named Dr. Blaine but obviously a parody of Dr. Phil) offered up his bullshit diagnosis on Harley.
"It's no surpise Dr. Quinzel jumped the track. She was a sad, needy person who tried to fill the void in her own soul by dispensing superficial relationship advice to others."
I feel this screenshot is actually a good microcasm of the real Dr. Phil.
Harley responds by smashing the TV with a giant lollipop.
And you thought she had issues!
The Joker then returns and, in an uncharacteristic act of kindness (which seems to be happening with this new Joker), presents her with a diamond he stole for her.
She responds with a monotone "pretty" and continues smashing.
She tells him what she really wants is revenge so they go get it.
She goes onto Dr. Phil's show (presumably that replaced her show) and pushes over a bookcase on him.
Then she tosses heart-shaped bombs at the audience.
Unfortunately I couldn't get a good screen-shot of this.
Other decent line in show:
"Don't like my show? Try this one!"
(whistles for hyenas)
(anger) "When Animals Attack People I Hate!"
(joy) "It's a comedy!"
I'd watch it.
Then Harley tries to give the Joker a command and he finally goes back to being himself.
"Oh, thanks sweetie! Now drag her outside and Joker-gas her or something!"
"You order me around!? Don't go too far. I've indulged you only because it amused me!"
Then he gets happy again and says he can't stay mad at her before panicking and throwing her at Batman.
That's more like it.
Alas, no one cares to hold her down.
Fighting ensues.
Joker leaves Harley in the fire and runs.
"So long little Harley Quinn. It's been fun!"
Especially all the times you tipped over from the weight of your hat. I think I'll miss those moments the most.
Batman saves her since he can't just let his villians (or in this case, future villians) die. It'd be too easy.
Then Big Daddy Bruce gives her a pep talk.
"The Joker doesn't care about anyone but himself. Never has. Never will."
"You'd think a psychologist would know better."
Online degree.
Harley is arrested and presumably sent to Arkham with her heart crushed until the driver of the cop car sits down and finds this:
And so begins an obsession in the worst retelling of the Joker/Harley meeting that I have found so far.
*sigh*
I should go read "Mad Love" again.
