How “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” Should End

[Originally posted on 3/13/14]

Dennis decides to go into politics, thinking that it will be an easy way to gain money and power just using his looks and charisma. As his campaign gains notice, sexual assault charges come pouring in and he is convicted and sent to jail. The confinement causes him to alternately think he is either a God, insisting that the other inmates yield to him, or that he is sharing a cell and being tortured by Sinbad and Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20.

Mac starts to realize that he’s gay (or bi) and has a total meltdown. He tries to hook up with his trans ex-girlfriend, thinking it will fix him, and it obviously ends poorly. Then he stumbles into the Philly gay pride parade where he ends up getting pulled onto a float. The positive reaction to his karate moves leads to his acceptance of his new lifestyle and he ends up becoming a LGBT+ activist, particularly outside of Catholic churches where he holds signs that say things like, “Homosexuality’s not a sin. Hate is!”

Charlie ends up dating the waitress after she suddenly remembers what happened at the Jersey Shore and decides to give him a chance. They get married and he subsequently becomes a millionaire after the success of Kitten Mittens which expands into also manufacturing little hats and sweaters for cats. He builds the biggest house in Philadelphia because he is still afraid to leave the city.

Sweet Dee ends up scoring a reoccurring role as an annoying side character on a sitcom and moves to LA. She only gains a small amount of fame and money before the show is cancelled after the third season. In shame, she moves back to Philly and hits rock bottom, living on the street, getting re-addicted to crack, and having Rickety Cricket’s child. Then her manager lands her a role on “Celebrity Rehab” and she puts the kid up for adoption and begs Charlie for plane fare, deciding to make a career out of being.a reality show contestant.

Frank continues to run Paddy’s Pub which becomes the most popular bar in Philadelphia now that none of the others are involved in it. Except Charlie who comes in to clean the toilets every once in a while because Frank makes him.