The Myth Of Persephone in "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys"

 I watched the episode of “Hercules: The Legendey Journeys” called “The Other Side” (Season 2, Episode 8) and oh man, was this 90s cheese at its finest. I kind of vaguely watched parts of this show as a kid when I was on vacation without cable and it is glorious in the not particularly well acted (Kevin Sorbo is frequently the only one really trying and even then look up “hercules disappointed”), slapsticky, low budget although this show probably cost more than you think way. Also, Ancient Greece is aesthetically like a really 90s version of medieval times for some reason. You can make a peplos out of a bedsheet! I don’t understand. 

Also, their take on the myth is basically removing all the problematic elements entirely. It’s very 90s mainstream third wave feminist-y. 

Here we see Demeter and Persephone just wandering around. Demeter somehow had three nice, peplos-inspired dresses and Persephone's dress came from the mall but they RenFaired it up. It looks a little better in a wide shot but she’s mostly in mid shots like this.

So she picks a yellow flower which I guess could be a narcissus although it looks exactly like the flowers she’s holding and Hades comes out of a cave thing on his chariot.

He has the silliest helmet, which is doing a poor job of making him invisible by the way, and I almost didn’t notice it because of the fact that the camera does a drama!zoom on Persephone as she shouts out “Hades!” right before this. Although it was hard to miss his weird collar and leather pants.

Hercules, being the main character, gets incorporated into the story and sees this happen. Demeter says Hades did this “Because he hates me.” What. She asks Herc to go get Seph or else she’ll keep wintering it up and killing people so he goes.

I just need you to see Charon’s design because I kind of hate it.

So the relationship between Persephone and Hades is established pretty quickly. They appear to have been courting or something, Demeter is not down, so Hades took action. Persephone goes from angry to aroused in like, one minute.

“Hades, I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

“Sorry for the bad timing but your mom is annoying and I love you.”

“Oh, that’s reasonable.”

In what I call the B plot, Herc finds his dead wife and kids who don’t know they are dead. They have happy family time and then boning.

For some reason, Hades and Persephone are watching this.

“Hades, don’t be a voyeur.”

“Instead of watching other people have sex, we should do it."

And obviously he’s down.

But he forgot to turn off his peeping screen as they fall onto the floor.

So first Herc tries to talk to Hades about letting Seph go. Hades is just like, whatever Demeter is a drama queen. Somehow the plot point about the Underworld getting crowded from all the people killed by Demeter’s winter is completely gone. Probably because in every version Hades notices this and is a bit more willing to let her go in order to restore balance and this whole episode fringes on Hades not wanting to let her go (and she’s not too keen on it either).

Cerberus looks terrible. Is this what early CGI looks like. If you know your myths, you know these two have a history but he gets past him to Seph’s bedroom (or Hades’ bedroom because yeah).

Herc is confused by her reluctance to leave and her statements that she thinks Hades is “wonderful,” “misunderstood,” and “kinda sexy.” Herc kinkshames her and then is like, “People are dying!” and she’s like, “Well, shoot, I guess I better go.”

These two idiots fist fight it out while Seph stands in the corner telling them to stop. They eventually just give up and talk it out.

Hades makes a plea to emotion (”They won’t even let me in the Elysian Fields anymore because I’m too gloomy! She’s the only bright spot here.”) and tells Herc that he will let Herc take any of the dead he wants out of the Underworld if he let’s Persephone stay. Herc is tempted to resurrect his family but has to do the right thing so he and Seph go to say goodbye to them.

One of Herc’s kids offers Seph a . . .could they not afford a pomegrante . . . or red paint.

On their way out Seph has another change of heart and is like, “Wait, I love him” and Herc is like, “We don’t have time for this” as Hades shapeshifts into his wife to try to beg him to take the deal. BUT LOOK WHO’S HERE

After some arguing Herc is like, “Let’s ask Persephone what she wants” and she’s like, “I choose both, I guess” and Herc is like, “Okay, six months with each of them.” Seriously, Hercules is an idiot. Let her move freely or at least weekly. Whatever it’s a silly television show that needed the main character to play a big role.

Caption this on your own.

I just liked this shot. It’s so ACTING.

I watched another episode with Hades in it called “Highway To Hades” where Sisyphus has escaped and Herc has to bring him back. That didn’t happen in mythology but Sisyphus cheated death twice, once by tricking Thanatos and once by tricking Persephone, so that tracks as a premise. Hades basically asks him to do it because he’s really busy with dead soldiers from recent wars and because he has inventory coming up, which is just about the most Hades thing I’ve ever heard. Although the episode implies that Zeus is his boss which I don’t like. Hades is the boss and takes his job very seriously. Basically every myth gets that right.

The only other episode they both appear in seems to be a season three episode called “Not Fade Away” (with a cameo by Cythnia Rothrock!). They both got new hairstyles. 

I think this is a marked improvement actually. They look cute. Although Hades’ armor got shinier for some reason. Maybe someone recently found out he’s also the god of wealth.

Herc’s friend stuck in between their arguing.

Hades obviously lost said argument. It’s funny how her hair is more controlled and his is less controlled. There’s a point though since Hades spends this entire episode being stressed out.

Don’t worry though. They’re still adorable and in love. I would literally watch a show entirely about them.

Anyway, I loved this version. It’s ridiculous and corny and I will watch it again for sure. 

A Scale For Siblings Who Are Close

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"Black Mirror" Episodes Ranked

In honor of my new favorite show Black Mirror, I have decided to write a review of the show so far but to keep it short and sweet (relatively, of course, as I have a tendency to write lengthy, rambling blog posts and I don't want to nor do I feel like I should this time).

I have obviously been doing a great terrible job of sticking to my "Wait Three Seasons Before You Watch It" rule and I have made resolutions to fix this, which I'm actually pretty good at sticking to, but I needed to watch this show first. I just needed to. I felt it in my marrow. My rule is harder to apply with strikingly short British shows that only have three episodes a season. Fewer episodes generally mean more time to devote to creating each episode which often can lead to better quality.

So how do I describe Black Mirror? It's essentially The Twilight Zone with a different set of actors in a different verse every episode but with each episode being a commentary on society and its relationship with technology. And it is AWESOME. Seriously, it's one of the best shows I've ever seen. I pretty much decided it was my new favorite show after one episode. However, while I would usually say "Everyone go watch it", I actually don't here because some of this show is actually kind of intense or disturbing and there are some people (my mother) who might have some issues with that. Prepare to be freaked out and/or have your mind blow before you decide to watch it.

And now, a ranking of the seven episodes so far. It's pretty free of spoilers unless you want to be entirely surprised in which case just watch the show.

7. Season One, Episode Three: "The Entire History Of You"
For the reference, the least exciting episode of Black Mirror is still amazing and well worth watching over most other shows you could cram into your brain thing. This episode has probably the most straight forward and conventional plot of any episode: a man is suspicious on his wife's friendship with another man. The technological aspect is that in this future most people have things in their brains called grains that enable them to replay any memory. The episode begs the question of whether this tech is a good thing or not, leaving the answer kind of up to you even if the characters do come to their own conclusions.

6. Season Two, Christmas Special: "White Christmas"
To me this episode was a bit of a mess. It had three mini stories within an overarching story and the technology of it was revealed far more slowly than in previous episodes. Personally, I thought that having so many stories kind of weakened the overall themes especially when the stories themselves were kind of obvious. This episode was kept from the last spot because the last 10 minutes actually had some interesting twists and redeeming aspects and because if you look past the smaller tech themes, you have a story that focuses on mortality and judgment in a pretty clever way. Also, Jon Hamm is valiantly still attempting to guest star in everything ever. Good luck, Jon!

5. Season Two, Episode Three: "The Waldo Moment"
Funny how the two most political episodes take place in the modern day instead of 20 minutes into the future. This episode focuses on the mockery of politics when a cartoon bear jokingly runs for office as part of a marketing tool. There are a lot of themes in this one surrounding how politics is viewed by both politicians and the people and their ineffectiveness. There's also a debate about idea ownership, a personal story of a broken comedian, and the idea of how meaningless images can be assigned meaning (I read academic texts on this topic for my Japanese minor; true story). My only real complaints about this episode are that there was something a bit off about the pacing and that I can't believe anyone would find that bear funny (although I completely believe people would vote for it).

4. Season Two, Episode One: "Be Right Back"
Think "Her" but with a dead guy. A new service is provided that creates the illusion of talking to a deceased loved one using their public online presence as a basis to create them. The result is pretty much what you would expect but it's still a wonderful journey to watch with an ending that you probably won't expect. Aside from showing the fallacies in thinking you know someone from their online persona and how those are cultivated, it also meditates on mourning and how the internet and it's relative permanence creates virtual graveyards.

3. Season Two, Episode Two: "White Bear"
A woman wakes up with amnesia to see a world where mostly everyone has been turned into voyeuristic bystanders constantly filming others while the few people that haven't are embracing their murderous tendencies or running from those who are. The episode shows a fantastic result of the bystander effect and, even more so, the way phone cameras have allowed us to detach ourselves from experience. There's also another layer of questioning whether people are inherently evil and what exactly is an appropriate punishment.


2. Season One, Episode One: "The National Anthem"
The first one really stuck with me and I think that was the point. This episode manages to go from a bit humorous to completely horrifying and I think you can use when that point is for each individual person as a guide to who they are. The episode takes place in the present, which might make it even scarier, and talks about traditional media vs social media (a topic that is already all over the place and has been for years), how opinions shift in this instant world and the effect they have, and the power one can have if they know how to utilize technology.


1. Season One, Episode Two: "Fifteen Million Merits"
I could write a master's thesis on this episode. Probably two. While some people might say the first episode is more disturbing, personally, this was the one I could not stop thinking about. In a dystropia where everyone uses exercise bikes to power the world and can only amuse themselves with bad games and reality shows, nothing feels real anymore. The attempt to find and spread genuine human emotion has terrifying results. There are two many themes in this episode to even try to explain them. This episode has such an impact that it was referred in the Christmas Special. It will ruin your day. And it is one of the best episodes of television I have ever watched in my life.

So, in conclusion, I love this show and anyone who knows what love is will understand.

How “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” Should End

[Originally posted on 3/13/14]

Dennis decides to go into politics, thinking that it will be an easy way to gain money and power just using his looks and charisma. As his campaign gains notice, sexual assault charges come pouring in and he is convicted and sent to jail. The confinement causes him to alternately think he is either a God, insisting that the other inmates yield to him, or that he is sharing a cell and being tortured by Sinbad and Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20.

Mac starts to realize that he’s gay (or bi) and has a total meltdown. He tries to hook up with his trans ex-girlfriend, thinking it will fix him, and it obviously ends poorly. Then he stumbles into the Philly gay pride parade where he ends up getting pulled onto a float. The positive reaction to his karate moves leads to his acceptance of his new lifestyle and he ends up becoming a LGBT+ activist, particularly outside of Catholic churches where he holds signs that say things like, “Homosexuality’s not a sin. Hate is!”

Charlie ends up dating the waitress after she suddenly remembers what happened at the Jersey Shore and decides to give him a chance. They get married and he subsequently becomes a millionaire after the success of Kitten Mittens which expands into also manufacturing little hats and sweaters for cats. He builds the biggest house in Philadelphia because he is still afraid to leave the city.

Sweet Dee ends up scoring a reoccurring role as an annoying side character on a sitcom and moves to LA. She only gains a small amount of fame and money before the show is cancelled after the third season. In shame, she moves back to Philly and hits rock bottom, living on the street, getting re-addicted to crack, and having Rickety Cricket’s child. Then her manager lands her a role on “Celebrity Rehab” and she puts the kid up for adoption and begs Charlie for plane fare, deciding to make a career out of being.a reality show contestant.

Frank continues to run Paddy’s Pub which becomes the most popular bar in Philadelphia now that none of the others are involved in it. Except Charlie who comes in to clean the toilets every once in a while because Frank makes him.

On Hate Watching, Television Writing, and My Dwindling Love Of "Downton Abbey"

With season eight of "Doctor Who" already a few episodes deep and interviews and images featuring season five of "Downton Abbey" popping up all over my Tumblr dashboard, I've been thinking a lot about what happens when a show you used to love becomes the thing you hate watch.

Now I'm a very picky television watcher for many reasons: I don't like watching things on a television because I don't know how to work the cable in my house and prefer to be on my laptop, I can't adhere to television schedules and I don't know how to DVR, and I will often watch multiple episodes in a sitting like the millenial that I am.

Hence, I have made a rule for deciding to watch a show: Only bother with a show if you have heard from at least three trustworthy sources (friends and family with similar taste as you, reviews) that it's good and it has made it through at least three seasons without the quality decreasing.

The note about the quality remaining consistent is crucial. Shows that are canceled after only one or two seasons are either shows that are simply too good for television ("Firefly", "Pushing Daisies") or are not worth it but either way you usually won't know about them until after they're already off the air. Then you can just let history decide for you as you continue to hear about the good shows and the bad ones disappear to the television graveyard. On the contrary and in regards to shows the rule was created for, there are plenty of shows that go on for years and years with their quality gradually decreasing while their viewership remains consistent because of loyal watchers who are hoping for the quality to return, some sort of payoff, or are so attached to the characters they don't want to stop. I can't tell you how many people insisted that I watch "Lost" or "Heroes" while it was in its first season only to recant their statements over the preceding years. It was probably because of seeing how irate people got about these shows that I invented the rule.

Sometimes I even go so far as to wait until a show is almost over to start watching. With "Breaking Bad" I watched the whole show during the break between the two halves of the final season and watched the last six episodes with the rest of the world. But often if a show really seems good enough and people are really into it, I won't be able to wait the 5-7 seasons for it to be over and will start sometime around season 3 or 4 which worked out great for "Mad Men", "Dexter", and "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" which I feel remain fairly consistent in quality throughout (ignoring "Dexter"'s silly finale).

But on some rare occasions, the rule doesn't work and longevity can be the death of a good show so keep that in mind if you think a show will be longer than 7 seasons. I used the rule for "How I Met Your Mother" and by season 6 my interest had started to wan and by 8 I was completely sick of the show and stopped watching for a while, only managing to get through to season 9 on the desire to finish the show in its entirety. I actually liked season 9 a lot, more than a lot of the previous seasons, and got to be outraged with the rest of the world at the terrible ending so I guess it was ultimately worth it but there was some real pain there.

So even with the rule I've done some hate watching and I wanted to talk about three different shows that have lead me to this and what can be learned from them: "Glee", "Doctor Who", and "Downton Abbey."

Before I get into the examples, I think there are really three factors that go into how long I can feasibly hate watch something before I give it up entirely:

1.) How much did I like the show at its peak?

2.) Was the decrease in quality gradual or abrupt?

3.) In what ways did it get worse?

These are all pretty obvious but I think I may be different from other people in that I am more forgiving of an abrupt quality decrease than a gradual one. A gradual one is often more likely to be permanent and I usually won't notice that it has become the new normal until long after I wanted to quit watching from bad episodes. When I finally do, I'm angry with all the time I've wasted. On the contrary, an abrupt change is usually the result of a new story line or something happening in the show that changes it immediately and it takes a while for the writers to realize what works and doesn't work within this change. With skill, the problems can be fixed. I just like my pain acute, not chronic.

So "Glee." Perhaps it's unfair to talk about "Glee" because I didn't use the rule with it but making this mistake reminded me why I follow this rule in the first place. I watched my first episode of "Glee" on a random day in college because it was on after something else I had been watching. The show already had a ton of hype and it was only the fifth episode. The jokes were dark and peppered with musical references, the songs were fun and varied, and I enjoyed it enough to make a point to go back and watch the previous episodes.

As I continued watching however, I started to see big problems with the writing. Continuity was nonexistent and the show had no idea what type of show it wanted to be: black comedy, drama, or just something quirky. Each episode had a different writer and each of them had a different goal. Every episode seemed to wash away the previous one and the target demographic shifted from a more universal appeal to teenagers with cliche hot topic episodes and nothing but Top 40 songs. By the time season three came around with a few solid episodes followed by some mediocre ones, I decided I was done. I didn't even stop watching after a bad episode; just an average one. It just occurred to me that even the good episodes were a chore to watch. The show was never quite a favorite of mine so it didn't feel like a great loss but I ended my relationship with the show on a bitter note. Only years later did one of my friends who still watches the show tell me that it's easier to watch the show once you view it as epic theater that isn't supposed to be reality. While I love the theory, even viewing the show through that lens I'm sure I still would have stopped watching.

"Doctor Who" is a show that is more analogous to my experience with "How I Met Your Mother" but still a unique situation to most shows out there. I started watching "Doctor Who" after season 4 of the new series and really liked it. I wouldn't say that I got as into it as some people but it was still definitely important to me and I felt much more strongly about it than "Glee." Like everyone else, I was anxious to see what would come from another change in doctors and a change in management.

The thing with "Doctor Who" that makes it different from other shows is that it isn't even really a show anymore so much as it is an entity. It has permeated so much of culture around the world that it has essentially transcended the television show itself. The same could be said of things like "Star Wars", "Harry Potter", and "Pokemon." "Pokemon" is the only one of these though that is a television show and while I haven't watched it since I was about 10, I can imagine that over the years the handling of the show has changed a lot for better or for worse. This is what happens with "Doctor Who." 

I actually quite liked season 5, the first season with Matt Smith as the Doctor and Steven Moffat as the showrunner but my interest waned from there. Moffat was a very competent writer for the show in the earlier seasons and I fully understand why he was expected to be a good showrunner but it's almost as if the title made him determined to go bigger and beyond in a while that would be the show's detriment. His season length plots are nonsensical and full of holes and he does not care for consistency or canon in the slightest. This made watching the show at times exhausting. Then they ended up getting rid of Amy and Rory, who were rather interesting companions who we have followed for 2 and a half seasons, and replaced them with Clara, who has yet to prove herself to be at all engaging.

Now in season 8 we have another Doctor, Peter Capaldi, but Steven Moffat is still in charge. I watched the first episode of the season with little care for anything but Capaldi's interpretation of the character. Will I keep watching? I'll try for sure but unless they give Moffat the boot and find a new companion, it seems unlikely that I will see watching as anything other than a chore I'm performing in honor of a show that was once fun. Because of the flexible nature of the show, it always has the potential to bounce back but for now, here we are.

And then there's "Downton Abbey." I actually just let out a heavy sigh. This was one of my favorites and would still rank in my top ten favorite shows of all time if you only count the first three seasons. So what happened? 

It would be really easy to blame the entire thing on Dan Stevens, who played Matthew Crawley, deciding to leave the show but it's actually not as simplistic as that. Matthew Crawley was definitely one of the most important characters in the show and most vital to the original premise but I maintain that while the episode of his death did effectively kill the show, it was not exactly because of him.

Julian Fellowes, the showrunner, is a good writer but over the course of "Downton Abbey" it has been proven that he is not a good "television writer." Writing for television requires a different set of skills than writing a movie (as he has done many times to great success). When you write a movie there is a planned beginning and end, very little about the plot is changeable once the end goal has been met, and while actors do occasionally drop out or there are problems with production companies, a lot of things can be guaranteed throughout the making of the film. This is not at all true with television. Not planning a show many years in advance almost always ends up leading to a decline in writing usually from characters acting inconsistent and changing in odd ways or from plots becoming forced. Also, actors can and do leave (sometimes with plenty of warning sometimes with little warning) and whether or not the show can continue is heavily based on ratings and who you're working for. These are conditions that Julian Fellowes is clearly not apt to handle.

As a means of comparison, look at a television writer like Joss Whedon. He has had actors leave, get fired, get pregnant (this was the one time he failed hugely), take vacations, suffer peculiar medical problems, and die when he had other plans for them. He's also had his shows cancelled, his shows threatened to be cancelled and then not, his shows cancelled and then revived on a different network, and his shows cancelled and then continued on later in a movie or a comic book. While I wouldn't say he handled every situation perfectly, he handed so many of them so much better than other writers that he should be studied by every potential television writer for this quality. 

Fellowes does not have this quality and it's actually evident before season three, a season when three of the actors decided to leave. His original premise centers on the Crawley family's title and fortune going to a distant middle class relative they don't know. The premise then becomes more about how the world changes after the Great War. The pacing between these two ideas however is atrocious. Season 1 starts with the sinking of the Titanic in 1912 and ends with the start of World War I. When season 2 opens, time has sped up to 1916 and the season ends at 1919. This means that by the end of season 2, the idea that the world is changing is already in place and yet at the start of season 5, set in 1924, there are still characters who believe it's 10 years ago. The whole war is breezed through when it could have been drawn out through two full seasons and now, he's clearly trying to slow time as the show moves brusquely past his theme, making it obsolete. It's all written rather like someone who thinks their show is going to be cancelled and they are afraid they won't get to write everything they wanted to write. The end result is three great seasons that purposefully represent the pre-war era, the war era, and the post-war era and now mediocre fumbling ones that need a direction.

The other factor is that he didn't know how to handle the show's characters after season 3. I honestly thought I would stop watching after Sybil died in season 3, episode 5 but the fact was, even with my favorite female character gone, the writing was still good and I was still interested. The end came with the season 3 Christmas special, the last episode of the season. It was honestly one of the worst episodes of something I've ever sat through. What didn't make me bored made me angry and Matthew's emotionless death at the end was the cherry on top of that crap sundae. Without Matthew, Fellowes didn't seem to know what to do with Mary. Without Sybil, Fellowes quickly forgot about what was great about Tom. Without O'Brien, Fellowes didn't know how to make Thomas a solo act. Add in unnecessary Anna/Bates drama, a downstairs love square no one cares about, and making Edith more awesome only to continue to make her life hell and you've got season 4 in summation. 

Is the show unable to be saved? No, but it doesn't seem like Fellowes knows how to save it or even that it's in trouble in the first place or even what makes it great. A better writer could easily save this show by simply giving the people what they want. As for me, I'll keep watching mostly for Tom, Anna, and Edith and the hope that they all end up okay because I now am one of those people still watching because I want pay off and care about the characters. Really the most comforting thing is that Fellowes really doesn't seem to want the show to last more than 5 seasons so perhaps he is more self aware than I give him credit for. 

I think I'd be most happy with a Tom Branson spin off where he and his daughter move to America and he gets involved in politics again. Maybe it could talk about all the discrimination Irish immigrants had to face and what those communities were like. "Branson in Boston." Think about it, Fellowes.

And so I hate watch on as so many of us do and I try to tread more carefully next time. I only waited until season 2 of "Orange Is The New Black" so my fingers are crossed for the next few years.

Top 10 Favorite Satans

It's more than a little shameful that I haven't written anything since June and I'm well aware of this. No movie reviews. No costume analysis. No totally random pop culture critiques. No personal nonsense  For a while I thought it was because of a lack of things to write about but now I can see that that is the symptom and not the cause. Every spare second of time that I have had in the last few months has been filled. If I haven't been running off to Washington DC, seeing musicals in New York or Boston, getting my colonial history on in Salem (one of my favorite New England towns) or rocking out to one of my all-time favorite bands in Nowheresville, New Jersey, I have been parking it in front of my computer filling out endless job applications. Of course, sometimes the end result of filling out job applications is the acquisition of a job and while I am super happy with said new job, I am now working two part time jobs resulting in over 50 hours a week which leaves little time for pop culture but a lot of time to brag about my adventures to coworkers.

The only thing I felt provoked to write about in the last few months in terms of pop culture has been about music, the only thing I have had any time for and that's mainly because of how much time I have been spending in my car. I thought about writing about how the rock genre is floundering in the 2010s (and the punk genre is dying) or something about the emotional connection one can develop with music but I haven't had time to research the first and I basically wrote the other one off as something for my personal journal. Other than that I've been managing to SLOWLY work my way through "Downton Abbey" which would be great for a costume analysis if I had any desire at all to get that many screencaps. And I really, really don't.

So instead, I'd like to talk to you about Satan.

He's one of my favorite literary characters, he's an element in a lot of people's religious beliefs, and he's very open to interpretation leading to all sorts of Devils in literature, film, television, and music. With Halloween, my favorite holiday as I wrote about last year, only recently past, the Devil has spent a bit of time on the forefront of people's minds and his horns on the top of people's heads (including mine) so I figured it might be interesting to rack my brain for some of my favorite versions of Old Scratch. He has looked like everything from an incomprehensible Nightmare Fuel beast to the mulleted and red-skinned finger-puppet on my bookshelf to Elizabeth Hurley and has an ever-changeable personality to match.



10. Beelzebub from "Beelz" by Stephen Lynch

The Devil has had a lot of influence in music. Some think he invented the rock genre (which isn't true but try telling the former Pope that). He has however been running with Van Halen, been given sympathy by the Rolling Stones, and apparently, fathered musical comedian Stephen Lynch. In the song "Beelz" off Lynch's second album The Craig Machine, Lynch starts by describing a fairly typical menacing interpretation of Lucifer before quickly flipping into a high pitched and feminine, "My name is Satan!" Beelzebub, but you can called him Beelz, describes himself physically in terms that seem conducive to a lot of the conventional ideas: goatee, horns, hooves. The album art even has a picture of him as a red-faced and horned stereotype and aside from Beelz's girly voice, he does seem to like typical evil things for the Devil. Of course, he also has some more unique hobbies including romantic walks, watching Fox News, and being a Red Sox fan. While I may not be a fan of baseball, as a part-time Bostonian it's nice to know that someone down there likes us.

9. The Devil from Tim Timebomb's Rock N Roll Theater

Sometimes the Devil doesn't come in the form of some kind of beast. One time the Devil came in the adorable form of a pink-suited Davey Havok with a John Waters-esque pedostache. Kind of a ham, as many devils are, he doesn't want to torture sinners so much as he wants to party with them and stage elaborate song and dance numbers. In the first episode of what will hopefully be more of Tim Timebomb's Rock N' Roll Theater, the devil is perfectly happy to be BFF's with our sinner main character, Dante Wison, and get him laid all in admiration for the debauchery he lived in prior to his sudden demise. But don't ever try to usurp him and fire his elevator girl. He may seem pretty harmless but he knows how to give you exactly what you deserve.

8. Satan from Dante's Inferno

One of the oldest interpretations of the Devil happens to also be one of the more unique and has been rarely built upon by all the literature, media, and music that has come after it. The Devil in Dante's Inferno can be found in the very bottom of the ninth and last level of hell, the level reserved for the traitorous, a level covered in ice that freezes the tears of its inhabitants. Physically, the Devil is a three-headed monstrous beast bearing the heads of who Dante considered to be three of the biggest traitors in history at the time: Brutus, Cassius, and right in the center place of honor, red-faced Judas. Satan is huge and ugly with bat-like wings that seem like they are trying to escape and spends his time crying tears of blood while chewing up sinners in his three mouths. Instead of being a scary figure or a manipulative one, this devil is portrayed as being intimidating but kind of ashamed and depressed, and, compared to his other representations, kind of pathetic. He's just another repenting sinner which makes this interpretation particularly contrary to most of the other ideas about Satan.

7. Satan from South Park

It's far more common for Satan to take on minions than it is for him to date but I guess if he's going to settle down, it would make sense for him to do so with an evil dictator. Saddam Hussein's ex-boyfriend is another one of those traditional red-skinned, horned monsters but don't let his appearance fool you. He can be pretty cuddly (although you probably wouldn't want to actually cuddle him unless you're one of his boyfriends). Sometimes he grants wishes to people who help him or decorates Hell for Christmastime to cheer up the sinners and he's actually pretty sensitive and nice. He puts on his scary face once in a while but it's pretty much an act. He always seemed to be less vengeful and more like just another one of the condemned, making him one of the Satans who is most similar to Dante's Satan. But Dante's Satan never put on a sexy schoolgirl costume. So there's that.



6. Kyubey from Puella Magi Madoka Magica

I'm gonna have to walk you through this one, especially if you have never watched an anime. Kyubey is not technically the Devil (although I could actually be wrong) but his role in the story is that of the Devil in the classic Faustian tale. He requests servitude from foolish victims in exchange for a wish and, of course, makes it seem like the payment will not be too bad and may actually be kind of a good time. No one knows the error of their desires until it is too late and he comes to get what he wanted. Hiding behind an innocent cat-like exterior with an unchanging expression and an equally cute voice, he almost seems more like a cousin of Hello Kitty than a creature who is out to feed off vulnerable girl's emotions and ultimately bring about the end of mankind to further his own goals. But he is. So don't make deals with talking creatures that look like Pokemon. 



5. Professor Woland from The Master And Margarita


For another Devil from the category of the "chilling with the humans" type, let us go to the Soviet Union. Woland is angered by the literary elite and their fervently atheist views and part of the reason why he seems to go there is to mess with both the people in power who don't believe in him the most and the greedy bourgeoisie. Strangely enough he also wants to throw a formal ball for all his famous sinners and, if she can endure the party, give an opportunity to a woman named Margarita to be with the man she loves. This Satan is still kind of arrogant and likes to punish sinners but he is not unfair when it comes to punishments and rewards. Physically, he takes on the form of a dark-suited man with a limp and metal capped-teeth and a funky eye although a lot of people can't agree on just how he appears. Unfortunately, Woland is frequently overshadowed by his team of crazy assistants and his motives are unclear a lot of the time so he only takes spot number 5.



4. Hades from Disney's Hercules

As often happens with Disney, the villain is the coolest character in the movie. Hades' goal is simple: overthrow Zeus, take over Mt. Olympus, and maybe pick up some souls along the way. He's a fast-talking deal maker, has frequently had enough of everyone's shit, and is kind of the sassy gay best friend to Megara, a woman whose soul he got in a deal. He also has some of the best deadpan lines in the film. For instance, when asked how things are in the Underworld he says casually, "We'll, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy, and, as always, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?" In an interesting contrast to most interpretations, Hades is blue-skinned and has hair made of a blue flame but turns orange and red when angered. He also rocks a grey toga with a little skull pin on it and has smoke instead of feet. He's a little uptight a lot of the time but maybe sometime he can steal a girl in a field and feed her some pomegranate. I hear that works out well for him.



3. Lucifer from The Devil's Carnival

"I'm not in the business of murdering innocent children. That's God's jurisdiction. I deal only with the guilty" may be one of the best Devil quotes ever. Unlike a lot of modern Devils, Lucifer has the appearance of a more ancient humanoid beast which correlates so well with his personality. He has the very calm demeanor of one who has seen and done it all and spends most of his time seated in his throne, letting his circus performer minions deal out punishments he has set. He may not be very friendly but he is logical to the point where you can't help but agree with him on the points he brings up. By the end he seems to have found renewed interest in his job with the goal of overtaking Heaven but I guess we'll have to wait for The Devil's Carnival 2 (whenever the hell that's coming, no pun intended) to find out how that goes. Oh, and he also has a wonderful bass-baritone singing voice.



2. The First Evil from Buffy The Vampire Slayer

The Buffy universe has a slightly different construction of its afterlife and theistic ideas than the conventional Judo-Christian set-up and as such, its Devil figure is also unique. The First is an incorporeal entity that can assume the form of dead people (including vampires and resurrected people), a power that allows for the ultimate in psychological manipulation. It has existed before people, before even the Old demons, before time perhaps. The First has one main goal: to throw the balance of good and evil in favor of the evil. As with all Devil figures, it cannot be killed, only suppressed, so the next time you start having a conversation with dead people, you shouldn't ask questions, just pick up and move. You probably live on a Hellmouth (I hear there's one in Cleveland). 

1. Satan from Paradise Lost

Okay, so it's kind of an obvious first choice but I would argue that it's still less obvious than if I had given Satan of The Bible the number one spot (and he really doesn't deserve it; however if I made a list of my favorite versions of God, Old Testament God would definitely make that list). The fact is, when I first read some of this poem when I was in high school, I was immediately struck by how John Milton portrayed Lucifer. He's written more like an anti-hero than anything else in his desire to be equal with God and his subsequent jealousy over Adam and Eve is more relatable than deplorable. He may be kind of arrogant but he is not unlikable. You love him and hate him simultaneously and I really think it was this interpretation of the Devil that made a lot of the other ideas on this list possible. Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven, indeed.

Some other notable examples:

* Peaches from Rocko's Modern Life
* The Devil who went down to Georgia
* Damien from The Omen


Now get behind me.