Discussing "Lord Of The Rings" Via Text

Not long after I read Lord Of The Rings for the first time and finally got what all the fuss was about (I had liked and seen the movies a couple times, of course, but I wasn't obsessed and I found The Hobbit novel to be only okay) my friend Caroline, a LOTR fan since she was a kid, decided to relisten to the audiobook. Here are texts exchanged between us on the topic, only lightly editted to make them easier to read.


The Fellowship Of The Ring

Caroline: I'm doing a LOTR re-listen.
Kay: I'm on a LOTR binge after reading the book. Adam and I are in an extended edition watch. This Friday is Two Towers. And Zeyd and I watched the Rifftrax in Italy.
Caroline: Nice! Had you read the books before?
Kay: No. First time. Zeyd helped with some details because his friends are obsessed so he knows by association. Adam too. It was his copy I borrowed.
Caroline: LOL. I also know many things. I just got to the hobbits meeting Stryder so I'm very excited.
Kay: That's when shit gets real.
Kay: Oh man, you should have seen the commentary I had going with Zeyd while I was reading. So many thoughts.
Caroline: It is! Plus every time I go through it, I am reminded that Aragorn is SKETCH AS FUCK and also my favorite.
Caroline: I am SO DEPRESSED that I missed out!
Kay: I could find some of it. I did it while watching the movies too. There were a lot of comments like, "Wow. There's a lot more romantic tension than I remember. It's like everyone is in love except Merry and Pippin who are just bros" and "it's distressing how Aragorn is hot but Viggo Mortensen isn't. How?"
Caroline: That is confusing. He was HELLA HOT in the movie and not otherwise.
Kay: Right? Also definitely hotter the grungier he was.
Caroline: I feel like everyone else thinks Merry and Pippin are in love.
Kay: Probably.
Caroline: Very true.
Kay: Also while reading I may have sent a few messages to Zeyd that said something like, "OMG FARAMIR AND EOWYN."
Caroline: RIGHT. Movie Faramir is such a fail compared to Book Faramir.
Kay: Right? After reading I was so ANGRY none of that made it into the movie and so much was changed.
Caroline: Yeeeep. I'm like FARAMIR WAS THE ONE MAN NEVER TEMPTED BY THE RING.
Kay: YESSSS. When I rewatched the film I was like WHAT WHY
Caroline: I was SO MAD. I love Faramir.
Kay: Agreed. I really should have texted you more while reading. Haha
Caroline: You should!
Kay: I'll try to find some of the weird things I said. I remember bitching about how long it took Frodo to start his journey.
Caroline: He fucked around 5ever.
Kay: So many real estate issues. Also fuck Tom Bombadil.
Caroline: LOL. Right? I almost didn't start it because I'd have to get through that part.
Kay: Yeah, it's a little rough for the first 100 pages. Once they get to Bree the plot picks up quickly. I breezed through Two Towers and Return.
Caroline: Yes yes. Although I really like that the movie alternates between the ring story and Aragorn's story. Just reading the ring story for hundreds of pages is rough.
Kay: Especially at the end. Frodo starves for a long time before they destroy the damn ring.
Caroline: Yeep.

Caroline: Traveling with a broken sword seems bad for self defense.
Kay: Yes but it depends on the way, I think.
Caroline: Oh?
Kay: A broken sword could become a dagger.
Caroline: True, although I don't know that Aragorn was using shards of Narsil as a dagger.
Kay: Right, right just saying. I'm sure he has more than a broken sword but he does show it as proof of not having a sword. He's sketch as hell yo.
Caroline: So sketch. What does he do? Fist fight people. It's almost as concerning as Legolas' never ending arrows in the movie.
Kay: So weird. Why do archers never run out of arrows?
Caroline: At least Katniss spends a fuck ton of time thinking about it. And does run out once.
Kay: True. Not in the movie but in the book she's always on that shit.
Caroline: Mhm. I'm always amused by people who act like the fact that Katniss doesn't get her period in the arena is a logic fail. Like they stop everyone from growing BODY HAIR. I'm betting they have the power to stop that too.
Kay: Right? You can stop your period in the world as it is right now!
Caroline: Exactly. Remember that time Aragorn decided that they should go to Weathertop and DICK AROUND on the off chance that they'd accidentally show up at the exact moment as Gandalf?
Kay: Ranger skills!
Caroline: Didn't work.

Caroline: "Where is Sauruman? What is his council?" "It turns out Sauruman is suffering from a touch of . . . evil."
Kay: Haha. Adam and I watched Two Towers extended last night.
Caroline: I love Two Towers.
Kay: I love when Sam says in Osgiliath, "We aren't even supposed to be here" because no, no you aren't. This didn't happen in the book.
Caroline: RIGHT? I forgot, did you watch all of How I Met Your Mother?
Kay: I have.
Caroline: Listening to LOTR on audiobook is funny because every once in a while when they say "ringbearer" I think of Barney saying "ring bear."

Caroline: You'd think it would have occurred to Sam that bringing a pony along on a journey on which all of the people, hobbits, elbows, dwarves kind of think they might die might be bad for the pony.
Kay: Poor Bill. Also, elbows. Damn you autofill.
Caroline: Yeah, I was texting with Siri.

Caroline: It's always interesting how truely unfit for this kind of journeying the hobbits are. Sam is not at all built for this but here he is. Frodo is the only one who had any idea what he was walking into.
Kay: Yeah, true. Also amazing: the lack of maps.
Caroline: Right? I'm not sure that "we sort of know where we're going" was really the best idea in terms of directions.
Kay: Yeah, let's just take off without a guide. We'll be fine.
Caroline: "Let's not consider the possibility that we might have to go to Moria and not make any contigency plans."

Caroline: Poor Boromir. So grumpy.
Caroline: Legolas is bitchy and really into trees.
Kay: Well, he won't have much to grump about soon.
Kay: And yeah, that's Legolas. He loves those freaking trees.
Caroline: Ouch. He'll have to get through Lorien first.
Caroline: Legolas: "I love these trees. I am so into these tres. I'm going to climb this tree and marry it. Or sleep in it at least." Pippin: "Slow your role, dude. I can't really sleep in a tree." Legolas: "Bitch, dig a hole then if that's what you freaks do. But you better dig fast."
Kay: Legloas' true love is indeed a tree. But since the tree cannot consent to being with him forever he defaulted to Gimli.
Caroline: True. Although he and Gimli are still in the "enemies" part of enemies to lovers where I am. Gimli just got un-blindfolded.
Kay: Racist elves, man.
Caroline: So racist. "It's not ME who's racist! It's just our super racist laws."

Caroline: The Legolas and Gimli bromance is on. Flowery much, Gimli?
Kay: Flowery?
Caroline: In his speech. His creepy obsession with Galadriel has begun.
Kay: Oh yeah. An obsession that takes him to the Undying Lands. Or maybe it's Legolas' love that does. I like to think it's both.
Caroline: Probably both.

Caroline: Boromir is such a dick.
Kay: Very corruptable. Decent minion potential.

Caroline: I like that Sam is the voice of reason here. "He's not wondering which way to go. Literally why would he go to Minas Tirith?"


The Two Towers

Caroline: I forgot Boromir doesn't die in The Fellowship Of The Ring book.
Kay: Yeah it feels weirdly cliffhangery compared to the movie.
Caroline: It also makes somewhat more sense to finish Fellowship with the fellowship completely split.
Kay: Yeah, it really does. I count this one of the biggest improvements the movies made.
Caroline: Agreed.

Caroline: We've got Eomer up in here.
Kay: I love the ambiguity of this text. Are you reading Two Towers or have you seen someone who resembles him (or is he in your house!)?
Caroline: Lol. All you really know is that he's somewhere.
Caroline: I started Two Towers.
Kay: That would have been the guess but I was sleepy when I read the text.
Caroline: I very much enjoyed your alternate theories.

Caroline: I like that Gandalf isn't like, "Yo! Bros! I'm back!" He just sucks around and lets them think he's Sauruman.
Kay: Gandalf is such a troll.

Caroline: Theoden be like, "I've realized Wormtongue is a douche. Let's RIDE TO WAR IN THE NEXT COUPLE HOURS. Who needs a plan? WE'LL FIND WAR SOMEWHERE."
Kay: Theoden got out of his trance like, "Shit, my muscles haven't atrophied?! I need to punch something!" He should punch Wormtongue really.
Caroline: Pretty much. "We're going to war?" "Which war, sir?" "Just fuck me up."

[insert discussion of Kay trying to explain to Caroline what the "Bone of Gondor" is and that it's a sex joke. She seems to finally get it at this point]
Caroline: I'm glad Aragorn has come to finally take the Bone of Gondor.
Kay: All night long.
Caroline: I hope he takes it gently. It's been a long time for Gondor.

Caroline: Gandalf: "Oh, I didn't do anything." Everyone else: "Dude, there's a motherfucking TREE ARMY."
Kay: Gandalf is a lying liar.

Caroline: I can't even deal with how dumb Rainbow Sauruman is.
Kay: Um, Rainbow Sauruman?
Caroline: Sauruman of Many Colors.
Kay: I think I missed this somehow.
Caroline: Yeah, he gives up being Sauruman the White and and becomes Sauruman of Many Colors. White is lamesauce.
Kay: Wow, I missed that entirely. I'm imagining Sauruman dressed like a pride flag.
Caroline: Right? It's not supposed to be but that's what I always picture.
Kay: So, where are you in the story?
Caroline: Theoden has just told Sauruman to go fuck himself.
Kay: Ah, yes. Theoden is back and ready to pick fights because he can.
Caroline: Yeeeep. And Wormtongue is about to throw shit. Also Legolas and Gimli have their honeymoon planned.
Kay: And Theoden is about to throw him.
Caroline: Nah, Theoden already did that.
Kay: Ah, I'm all backwards.
Caroline: They're at Isenguard. Helm's Deep is over. Fangorn and Helm's Deep.
Kay: Oh, okay. THAT time he tells Sauruman to fuck off.
Caroline: Right. To his face.
Kay: Yes. As opposed to cursing his bloody name in private.
Caroline: Right.
Kay: I think it was at this point that I stopped imagining Sauruman as this super powerful dude and more like an "I'll get you next time!" villian with his bumbling assistant.

Caroline: Sauruman thinks Gandalf is exactly like him.
Kay: Sauruman is a dumbass. I mean, he thinks conquering the Shire is a decent alternative to being Sauron's right hand man.
Caroline: It's ABOUT the same.

Caroline: The Rohan half of the book has ended and now I'm stuck with trying to get to Mordor.
Kay: Oy. At least you have Gollum being a weirdo instead of slow starvation.
Caroline: Lol. True.

Caroline: I feel like they should have taken more than one person who could use a bow.

Caroline: Currently, Gollum showed up five minutes ago and I already want to shoot myself in the head because of his dialogue.
Kay: Hobbitses.

Caroline: Gollum is now legit conversing with himself.
Kay: Well, when everyone else is sleeping what are you going to do? I'm watching the cast commentary on Fellowship.
Caroline: Nice! It's been ages since I watched it. Let me know if anything funny comes up.
Kay: Well, Dominic Monaghan likes pointing out whenever he thinks he looks handsome.
Caroline: Well, thank God you have that information.

Caroline: Do we think that anyone had a plan for getting into Mordor other than knock at the front door?
Kay: No. That was the whole plan.
Caroline: That plan needed some work. What was their next cunning plan? "Everyone at the count of three?"
Kay: Trojan goblin?
Caroline: Best. Plan.

Caroline: "I would not take this thing if it lay beside the highway." YEAH
Kay: I forgot that line.
Caroline: Canon Faramir is the bestest.
Kay: Fact. No lie, Faramir is my favorite dude.

Caroline: Obnoxiously meta discussion of stories.
Kay: What?
Caroline; Frodo and Sam are on about what it would be like if they were in a story.
Kay: Shh, don't tell them.

Caroline: Hobbits: "It seems like daylight isn't a thing that happens anymore. What's with that?" Me: "You're standing on the doorstop of Mordor and knocking. TAKE A GUESS."
Kay: Aside from like, the smoke and orcs and general evil, Mordor seems like a good place for a vampire like me.
Caroline: Yes.

Caroline: Sam defending Frodo is getting kinda . . gay.
Kay: The whole Shelob scene is a romance as far as I'm concerned.


The Return Of The King

Caroline: Pippin: "Why would Aragorn coming be a problem for Denethor?" Me: "Pippin, a turnip has a greater understanding of its life situation than you."
Kay: Well, Pippin also decided to pledge himself to a mad man without establishing any boundries. He's got some issues.
Caroline: LOL. Turnip.

Caroline: Pippin is currently kicking it with a 10 year old.
Kay: Well, they're the same height. Bere-whatshisface who thinks his dad could beat up your dad.
Caroline: Yeeeeep. That's the one.

Caroline: "There will be no dawn. The darkness has come."  Did we . . . know this was going to happen? I feel like people should have been warned.
Kay: "People of Gondor . . . I hope you stocked up on oil for your lanterns."

Caroline: Be literal worst thing that has ever happened and Pippin's entire life is food rationing.
Caroline: Siri decided to send that even though it made no sense.
Kay: Are these two things connected? Is the worst thing ever Denethor being a turd?
Caroline: LOL. Let me try again.
Caroline: The literal worst thing that has ever happened in Pippin's entire life is food rations.
Kay: Ohhhh okay. And yes.
Caroline: He's fled the pursuit of Nazgul, walked through the mines of Moria, and been dragged across Rohan by an army of Orcs. But give him a too small pad of butter and his life is over.
Kay: Hobbit priorities. Maybe they starve to death quicker than men.

Caroline: Today on Worst Dad Ever, out contestant is: DENATHOR.
Kay: He's the only contestant.

Caroline: Alas. Theoden was mighty, but he hath kicked the bucket.
Kay: RIP.

Caroline: I'm back on Return Of The King. In true Tolkein fashion, I will list 45 dead people. You've heard of two and you already know one is dead.

Caroline: "How dare you deny me the right to burn my own son alive?" "Look crazypants this may come as a shock, but the rest of us LIKE Faramir."
Kay: Haha, also he's a little not dead so maybe you wanna hit up the Houses of Healing instead of the pyre just yet?

Caroline: NOT WORTH IT. SHIPS WITH BLACK SAILS.
Kay: Arr.

Caroline: "Gee, we haven't had a king in hundreds of years, but it sure would be fantastic if we had one now! The hands of a king are the hands of a healer." "Thanks, conveniently placed bearer of seemingly erroneous prophesies! We happen to have a king!"

Caroline: Poor Pippin is not cunning enough to get that the Mouth of Sauron totes told them that he didn't actually have Frodo.
Kay: Poor Pippin. So slow.

Caroline: SOME OF US have become rather too attached to our evil jewelry.
Kay: Haha. It goes so well with his cape!
Caroline: Sam's in the process of rescuing Frodo.

Caroline: They're cosplaying as orcs!
Kay: They'll be a hit at Gondor Comic Con!
Caroline: Totally!

Caroline: "The King? What king?" Did none of you pay EVEN A LITTLE ATTENTION?
Kay: Memos are slow in Gondor.
Caroline: And hobbits are slow everywhere.

Caroline: In a modern AU, Legolas is a musical theatre student who bursts into song every 10 seconds.
Caroline: STOP SINGING, DUDE.
Kay: Yes! Adam and I kept shouting "No one asked you, Legolas" every time he opens his mouth in the film.
Caroline: LOL.

Caroline: Warden of the Houses Of Healing: "OMG YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE UP!!!1" Eowyn: "Isn't there somewhere I can go to find an honorable death?" Warden: "Ummmm n-o-o-o?" Eowyn: "Who the fuck is in charge here?"
Kay: Haha. Oh Eowyn, there's no death over here but there's a man who really wants to make a garden with you.

Caroline: Eowyn and Faramir are engaged. You are now at the point where you're like, "Yay! Almost done!" And then you remember, "Oh fuck. Sacking of the Shire."
Kay: Here's where I peace out and go read Farawyn fanfiction because I'm trash.
Caroline: LOL. Probs less exhausting than the Sacking of the Shire.
Kay: It's at this point in the story that Sam realizes he left the oven on and comes home to find that it's not as big a deal ass he thought.
Kay: as* WOW.
Caroline: LOL. It worked.
Kay: And don't forget the appendixes. I literally was so excited about those when I read it. I wanted more even though the journey had been long and sometimes painful.
Caroline: Impressive!
Kay: What is?
Caroline: Still wanting more.
Kay: Maybe I'm that special person who would read The Silmarilion and not hate it.
Caroline: LOL. I don't hate it. It's just got . . . sections to skim.
Kay: When I have less on my plate I'm totally gonna read it.

Caroline: "We come now at last to the ending of the fellowship of the ring." My feels!
Kay: Well you still get to read about how everyone weirdly decides when they get to die except Sam, Legolas, and Gimli who ultimately peace for the Undying Lands.

Caroline: We've let Frodo sail across the sea and reached The End.
Kay: Looking back, that took you very little time. You must audiobook it up a lot.
Caroline: I do! I walk two miles a day to and from work, I put it on when I drive, when I do chores . . .


And some Bonus Movie Rifftrax Commentary:

Caroline: I'd forgotten in the movie that Gandalf told Frodo that he'd meet him in Bree. Tends to lessen the "Where in all fuck is Gandalf?" drama.
Kay: True, true. I mean he's never there when he says he will be but at least you have a chance he might be instead of having no clue.
Caroline: Right. And he's not missing as long.
Caroline: Movie Pippin is HELLA stupid.
Kay: Yes. Are you watching Fellowship?
Caroline: Rifftrax, yeah.
Kay: Ahh, delightful.
Caroline: Why is Legolas Aragorn's biggest fan at the council of Elrond?
Kay: They go way back.
Caroline: Is the audio sync robot crying?
Kay: it might be. I can't remember but I think you're getting to my favorite part.
Caroline: "Crabine from Dunland!"
Kay: They get so excited about it.
Caroline: These guys keep trying to drive.
Kay: Drive what?
Caroline: To Mordor! Rental cars, cabs . . .
Kay: Haha. "So you wanna rent a car? Avis has a great deal going."
Caroline: "The one belt buckle to rule them all wasn't avalable."
Caroline: "THE URINALS OF MORIA."
Kay: Haha. I think you're past it now. I love the bit of "You have my sword" "And I'd like it back please." And then Boromir: "And you have my Glock."
Caroline: LOL. Way past it. Yeah. That part was great.
Caroline: OMG the number of Tom Bombadil jokes.
Kay: Yeah, they really miss him. Or like making fun of him.

Caroline: I'm back to watching Two Towers Rifftrax.
Kay: Anything good?
Caroline: They just referred to Mordor as "Detriot."
Kay: Haha, wonderful.
Caroline: And more Tom Bombadil jokes.
Caroline: Omg. Now they're making fun of Eragon.
Caroline: Gollum: "Swear on the precious." The guys: "And a nerd's online handle is born."
Caroline: "They always made her be Anakin because of her feelings about sand."
Kay: I love that.
Caroline: Remember that time Aragorn fake died in the movie?
Kay: Haha, yeah and had sex dreams?
Caroline: And made out with his horse?
Kay: Oh my God. Zeyd just said that.
Caroline: LOL. I see we're inventing gunpowder.
Kay: Indeed. And suicide bombers.
Caroline: Fun!
Caroline: "In time, Aragorn will die." A really short time actually. Like 5 minutes.
Kay: "On a post apocalyptic college campus."
Caroline: On the upside Liv Tyler's fake dad is way less scary looking than her real dad.
Kay: Too true.
Caroline: Faramir showed up to be a dick without my noticing.
Caroline: I had one entire wine and I think that, combined with Rifftrax, is making me too giggly to shower.
Kay: He really needs to chill in the movie. Also wish I was there. I am amused by tipsy Caroline.

Here's hoping we will watch Return Of The King Rifftrax together.