Discussing "Lord Of The Rings" Via Text

Not long after I read Lord Of The Rings for the first time and finally got what all the fuss was about (I had liked and seen the movies a couple times, of course, but I wasn't obsessed and I found The Hobbit novel to be only okay) my friend Caroline, a LOTR fan since she was a kid, decided to relisten to the audiobook. Here are texts exchanged between us on the topic, only lightly editted to make them easier to read.


The Fellowship Of The Ring

Caroline: I'm doing a LOTR re-listen.
Kay: I'm on a LOTR binge after reading the book. Adam and I are in an extended edition watch. This Friday is Two Towers. And Zeyd and I watched the Rifftrax in Italy.
Caroline: Nice! Had you read the books before?
Kay: No. First time. Zeyd helped with some details because his friends are obsessed so he knows by association. Adam too. It was his copy I borrowed.
Caroline: LOL. I also know many things. I just got to the hobbits meeting Stryder so I'm very excited.
Kay: That's when shit gets real.
Kay: Oh man, you should have seen the commentary I had going with Zeyd while I was reading. So many thoughts.
Caroline: It is! Plus every time I go through it, I am reminded that Aragorn is SKETCH AS FUCK and also my favorite.
Caroline: I am SO DEPRESSED that I missed out!
Kay: I could find some of it. I did it while watching the movies too. There were a lot of comments like, "Wow. There's a lot more romantic tension than I remember. It's like everyone is in love except Merry and Pippin who are just bros" and "it's distressing how Aragorn is hot but Viggo Mortensen isn't. How?"
Caroline: That is confusing. He was HELLA HOT in the movie and not otherwise.
Kay: Right? Also definitely hotter the grungier he was.
Caroline: I feel like everyone else thinks Merry and Pippin are in love.
Kay: Probably.
Caroline: Very true.
Kay: Also while reading I may have sent a few messages to Zeyd that said something like, "OMG FARAMIR AND EOWYN."
Caroline: RIGHT. Movie Faramir is such a fail compared to Book Faramir.
Kay: Right? After reading I was so ANGRY none of that made it into the movie and so much was changed.
Caroline: Yeeeep. I'm like FARAMIR WAS THE ONE MAN NEVER TEMPTED BY THE RING.
Kay: YESSSS. When I rewatched the film I was like WHAT WHY
Caroline: I was SO MAD. I love Faramir.
Kay: Agreed. I really should have texted you more while reading. Haha
Caroline: You should!
Kay: I'll try to find some of the weird things I said. I remember bitching about how long it took Frodo to start his journey.
Caroline: He fucked around 5ever.
Kay: So many real estate issues. Also fuck Tom Bombadil.
Caroline: LOL. Right? I almost didn't start it because I'd have to get through that part.
Kay: Yeah, it's a little rough for the first 100 pages. Once they get to Bree the plot picks up quickly. I breezed through Two Towers and Return.
Caroline: Yes yes. Although I really like that the movie alternates between the ring story and Aragorn's story. Just reading the ring story for hundreds of pages is rough.
Kay: Especially at the end. Frodo starves for a long time before they destroy the damn ring.
Caroline: Yeep.

Caroline: Traveling with a broken sword seems bad for self defense.
Kay: Yes but it depends on the way, I think.
Caroline: Oh?
Kay: A broken sword could become a dagger.
Caroline: True, although I don't know that Aragorn was using shards of Narsil as a dagger.
Kay: Right, right just saying. I'm sure he has more than a broken sword but he does show it as proof of not having a sword. He's sketch as hell yo.
Caroline: So sketch. What does he do? Fist fight people. It's almost as concerning as Legolas' never ending arrows in the movie.
Kay: So weird. Why do archers never run out of arrows?
Caroline: At least Katniss spends a fuck ton of time thinking about it. And does run out once.
Kay: True. Not in the movie but in the book she's always on that shit.
Caroline: Mhm. I'm always amused by people who act like the fact that Katniss doesn't get her period in the arena is a logic fail. Like they stop everyone from growing BODY HAIR. I'm betting they have the power to stop that too.
Kay: Right? You can stop your period in the world as it is right now!
Caroline: Exactly. Remember that time Aragorn decided that they should go to Weathertop and DICK AROUND on the off chance that they'd accidentally show up at the exact moment as Gandalf?
Kay: Ranger skills!
Caroline: Didn't work.

Caroline: "Where is Sauruman? What is his council?" "It turns out Sauruman is suffering from a touch of . . . evil."
Kay: Haha. Adam and I watched Two Towers extended last night.
Caroline: I love Two Towers.
Kay: I love when Sam says in Osgiliath, "We aren't even supposed to be here" because no, no you aren't. This didn't happen in the book.
Caroline: RIGHT? I forgot, did you watch all of How I Met Your Mother?
Kay: I have.
Caroline: Listening to LOTR on audiobook is funny because every once in a while when they say "ringbearer" I think of Barney saying "ring bear."

Caroline: You'd think it would have occurred to Sam that bringing a pony along on a journey on which all of the people, hobbits, elbows, dwarves kind of think they might die might be bad for the pony.
Kay: Poor Bill. Also, elbows. Damn you autofill.
Caroline: Yeah, I was texting with Siri.

Caroline: It's always interesting how truely unfit for this kind of journeying the hobbits are. Sam is not at all built for this but here he is. Frodo is the only one who had any idea what he was walking into.
Kay: Yeah, true. Also amazing: the lack of maps.
Caroline: Right? I'm not sure that "we sort of know where we're going" was really the best idea in terms of directions.
Kay: Yeah, let's just take off without a guide. We'll be fine.
Caroline: "Let's not consider the possibility that we might have to go to Moria and not make any contigency plans."

Caroline: Poor Boromir. So grumpy.
Caroline: Legolas is bitchy and really into trees.
Kay: Well, he won't have much to grump about soon.
Kay: And yeah, that's Legolas. He loves those freaking trees.
Caroline: Ouch. He'll have to get through Lorien first.
Caroline: Legolas: "I love these trees. I am so into these tres. I'm going to climb this tree and marry it. Or sleep in it at least." Pippin: "Slow your role, dude. I can't really sleep in a tree." Legolas: "Bitch, dig a hole then if that's what you freaks do. But you better dig fast."
Kay: Legloas' true love is indeed a tree. But since the tree cannot consent to being with him forever he defaulted to Gimli.
Caroline: True. Although he and Gimli are still in the "enemies" part of enemies to lovers where I am. Gimli just got un-blindfolded.
Kay: Racist elves, man.
Caroline: So racist. "It's not ME who's racist! It's just our super racist laws."

Caroline: The Legolas and Gimli bromance is on. Flowery much, Gimli?
Kay: Flowery?
Caroline: In his speech. His creepy obsession with Galadriel has begun.
Kay: Oh yeah. An obsession that takes him to the Undying Lands. Or maybe it's Legolas' love that does. I like to think it's both.
Caroline: Probably both.

Caroline: Boromir is such a dick.
Kay: Very corruptable. Decent minion potential.

Caroline: I like that Sam is the voice of reason here. "He's not wondering which way to go. Literally why would he go to Minas Tirith?"


The Two Towers

Caroline: I forgot Boromir doesn't die in The Fellowship Of The Ring book.
Kay: Yeah it feels weirdly cliffhangery compared to the movie.
Caroline: It also makes somewhat more sense to finish Fellowship with the fellowship completely split.
Kay: Yeah, it really does. I count this one of the biggest improvements the movies made.
Caroline: Agreed.

Caroline: We've got Eomer up in here.
Kay: I love the ambiguity of this text. Are you reading Two Towers or have you seen someone who resembles him (or is he in your house!)?
Caroline: Lol. All you really know is that he's somewhere.
Caroline: I started Two Towers.
Kay: That would have been the guess but I was sleepy when I read the text.
Caroline: I very much enjoyed your alternate theories.

Caroline: I like that Gandalf isn't like, "Yo! Bros! I'm back!" He just sucks around and lets them think he's Sauruman.
Kay: Gandalf is such a troll.

Caroline: Theoden be like, "I've realized Wormtongue is a douche. Let's RIDE TO WAR IN THE NEXT COUPLE HOURS. Who needs a plan? WE'LL FIND WAR SOMEWHERE."
Kay: Theoden got out of his trance like, "Shit, my muscles haven't atrophied?! I need to punch something!" He should punch Wormtongue really.
Caroline: Pretty much. "We're going to war?" "Which war, sir?" "Just fuck me up."

[insert discussion of Kay trying to explain to Caroline what the "Bone of Gondor" is and that it's a sex joke. She seems to finally get it at this point]
Caroline: I'm glad Aragorn has come to finally take the Bone of Gondor.
Kay: All night long.
Caroline: I hope he takes it gently. It's been a long time for Gondor.

Caroline: Gandalf: "Oh, I didn't do anything." Everyone else: "Dude, there's a motherfucking TREE ARMY."
Kay: Gandalf is a lying liar.

Caroline: I can't even deal with how dumb Rainbow Sauruman is.
Kay: Um, Rainbow Sauruman?
Caroline: Sauruman of Many Colors.
Kay: I think I missed this somehow.
Caroline: Yeah, he gives up being Sauruman the White and and becomes Sauruman of Many Colors. White is lamesauce.
Kay: Wow, I missed that entirely. I'm imagining Sauruman dressed like a pride flag.
Caroline: Right? It's not supposed to be but that's what I always picture.
Kay: So, where are you in the story?
Caroline: Theoden has just told Sauruman to go fuck himself.
Kay: Ah, yes. Theoden is back and ready to pick fights because he can.
Caroline: Yeeeep. And Wormtongue is about to throw shit. Also Legolas and Gimli have their honeymoon planned.
Kay: And Theoden is about to throw him.
Caroline: Nah, Theoden already did that.
Kay: Ah, I'm all backwards.
Caroline: They're at Isenguard. Helm's Deep is over. Fangorn and Helm's Deep.
Kay: Oh, okay. THAT time he tells Sauruman to fuck off.
Caroline: Right. To his face.
Kay: Yes. As opposed to cursing his bloody name in private.
Caroline: Right.
Kay: I think it was at this point that I stopped imagining Sauruman as this super powerful dude and more like an "I'll get you next time!" villian with his bumbling assistant.

Caroline: Sauruman thinks Gandalf is exactly like him.
Kay: Sauruman is a dumbass. I mean, he thinks conquering the Shire is a decent alternative to being Sauron's right hand man.
Caroline: It's ABOUT the same.

Caroline: The Rohan half of the book has ended and now I'm stuck with trying to get to Mordor.
Kay: Oy. At least you have Gollum being a weirdo instead of slow starvation.
Caroline: Lol. True.

Caroline: I feel like they should have taken more than one person who could use a bow.

Caroline: Currently, Gollum showed up five minutes ago and I already want to shoot myself in the head because of his dialogue.
Kay: Hobbitses.

Caroline: Gollum is now legit conversing with himself.
Kay: Well, when everyone else is sleeping what are you going to do? I'm watching the cast commentary on Fellowship.
Caroline: Nice! It's been ages since I watched it. Let me know if anything funny comes up.
Kay: Well, Dominic Monaghan likes pointing out whenever he thinks he looks handsome.
Caroline: Well, thank God you have that information.

Caroline: Do we think that anyone had a plan for getting into Mordor other than knock at the front door?
Kay: No. That was the whole plan.
Caroline: That plan needed some work. What was their next cunning plan? "Everyone at the count of three?"
Kay: Trojan goblin?
Caroline: Best. Plan.

Caroline: "I would not take this thing if it lay beside the highway." YEAH
Kay: I forgot that line.
Caroline: Canon Faramir is the bestest.
Kay: Fact. No lie, Faramir is my favorite dude.

Caroline: Obnoxiously meta discussion of stories.
Kay: What?
Caroline; Frodo and Sam are on about what it would be like if they were in a story.
Kay: Shh, don't tell them.

Caroline: Hobbits: "It seems like daylight isn't a thing that happens anymore. What's with that?" Me: "You're standing on the doorstop of Mordor and knocking. TAKE A GUESS."
Kay: Aside from like, the smoke and orcs and general evil, Mordor seems like a good place for a vampire like me.
Caroline: Yes.

Caroline: Sam defending Frodo is getting kinda . . gay.
Kay: The whole Shelob scene is a romance as far as I'm concerned.


The Return Of The King

Caroline: Pippin: "Why would Aragorn coming be a problem for Denethor?" Me: "Pippin, a turnip has a greater understanding of its life situation than you."
Kay: Well, Pippin also decided to pledge himself to a mad man without establishing any boundries. He's got some issues.
Caroline: LOL. Turnip.

Caroline: Pippin is currently kicking it with a 10 year old.
Kay: Well, they're the same height. Bere-whatshisface who thinks his dad could beat up your dad.
Caroline: Yeeeeep. That's the one.

Caroline: "There will be no dawn. The darkness has come."  Did we . . . know this was going to happen? I feel like people should have been warned.
Kay: "People of Gondor . . . I hope you stocked up on oil for your lanterns."

Caroline: Be literal worst thing that has ever happened and Pippin's entire life is food rationing.
Caroline: Siri decided to send that even though it made no sense.
Kay: Are these two things connected? Is the worst thing ever Denethor being a turd?
Caroline: LOL. Let me try again.
Caroline: The literal worst thing that has ever happened in Pippin's entire life is food rations.
Kay: Ohhhh okay. And yes.
Caroline: He's fled the pursuit of Nazgul, walked through the mines of Moria, and been dragged across Rohan by an army of Orcs. But give him a too small pad of butter and his life is over.
Kay: Hobbit priorities. Maybe they starve to death quicker than men.

Caroline: Today on Worst Dad Ever, out contestant is: DENATHOR.
Kay: He's the only contestant.

Caroline: Alas. Theoden was mighty, but he hath kicked the bucket.
Kay: RIP.

Caroline: I'm back on Return Of The King. In true Tolkein fashion, I will list 45 dead people. You've heard of two and you already know one is dead.

Caroline: "How dare you deny me the right to burn my own son alive?" "Look crazypants this may come as a shock, but the rest of us LIKE Faramir."
Kay: Haha, also he's a little not dead so maybe you wanna hit up the Houses of Healing instead of the pyre just yet?

Caroline: NOT WORTH IT. SHIPS WITH BLACK SAILS.
Kay: Arr.

Caroline: "Gee, we haven't had a king in hundreds of years, but it sure would be fantastic if we had one now! The hands of a king are the hands of a healer." "Thanks, conveniently placed bearer of seemingly erroneous prophesies! We happen to have a king!"

Caroline: Poor Pippin is not cunning enough to get that the Mouth of Sauron totes told them that he didn't actually have Frodo.
Kay: Poor Pippin. So slow.

Caroline: SOME OF US have become rather too attached to our evil jewelry.
Kay: Haha. It goes so well with his cape!
Caroline: Sam's in the process of rescuing Frodo.

Caroline: They're cosplaying as orcs!
Kay: They'll be a hit at Gondor Comic Con!
Caroline: Totally!

Caroline: "The King? What king?" Did none of you pay EVEN A LITTLE ATTENTION?
Kay: Memos are slow in Gondor.
Caroline: And hobbits are slow everywhere.

Caroline: In a modern AU, Legolas is a musical theatre student who bursts into song every 10 seconds.
Caroline: STOP SINGING, DUDE.
Kay: Yes! Adam and I kept shouting "No one asked you, Legolas" every time he opens his mouth in the film.
Caroline: LOL.

Caroline: Warden of the Houses Of Healing: "OMG YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE UP!!!1" Eowyn: "Isn't there somewhere I can go to find an honorable death?" Warden: "Ummmm n-o-o-o?" Eowyn: "Who the fuck is in charge here?"
Kay: Haha. Oh Eowyn, there's no death over here but there's a man who really wants to make a garden with you.

Caroline: Eowyn and Faramir are engaged. You are now at the point where you're like, "Yay! Almost done!" And then you remember, "Oh fuck. Sacking of the Shire."
Kay: Here's where I peace out and go read Farawyn fanfiction because I'm trash.
Caroline: LOL. Probs less exhausting than the Sacking of the Shire.
Kay: It's at this point in the story that Sam realizes he left the oven on and comes home to find that it's not as big a deal ass he thought.
Kay: as* WOW.
Caroline: LOL. It worked.
Kay: And don't forget the appendixes. I literally was so excited about those when I read it. I wanted more even though the journey had been long and sometimes painful.
Caroline: Impressive!
Kay: What is?
Caroline: Still wanting more.
Kay: Maybe I'm that special person who would read The Silmarilion and not hate it.
Caroline: LOL. I don't hate it. It's just got . . . sections to skim.
Kay: When I have less on my plate I'm totally gonna read it.

Caroline: "We come now at last to the ending of the fellowship of the ring." My feels!
Kay: Well you still get to read about how everyone weirdly decides when they get to die except Sam, Legolas, and Gimli who ultimately peace for the Undying Lands.

Caroline: We've let Frodo sail across the sea and reached The End.
Kay: Looking back, that took you very little time. You must audiobook it up a lot.
Caroline: I do! I walk two miles a day to and from work, I put it on when I drive, when I do chores . . .


And some Bonus Movie Rifftrax Commentary:

Caroline: I'd forgotten in the movie that Gandalf told Frodo that he'd meet him in Bree. Tends to lessen the "Where in all fuck is Gandalf?" drama.
Kay: True, true. I mean he's never there when he says he will be but at least you have a chance he might be instead of having no clue.
Caroline: Right. And he's not missing as long.
Caroline: Movie Pippin is HELLA stupid.
Kay: Yes. Are you watching Fellowship?
Caroline: Rifftrax, yeah.
Kay: Ahh, delightful.
Caroline: Why is Legolas Aragorn's biggest fan at the council of Elrond?
Kay: They go way back.
Caroline: Is the audio sync robot crying?
Kay: it might be. I can't remember but I think you're getting to my favorite part.
Caroline: "Crabine from Dunland!"
Kay: They get so excited about it.
Caroline: These guys keep trying to drive.
Kay: Drive what?
Caroline: To Mordor! Rental cars, cabs . . .
Kay: Haha. "So you wanna rent a car? Avis has a great deal going."
Caroline: "The one belt buckle to rule them all wasn't avalable."
Caroline: "THE URINALS OF MORIA."
Kay: Haha. I think you're past it now. I love the bit of "You have my sword" "And I'd like it back please." And then Boromir: "And you have my Glock."
Caroline: LOL. Way past it. Yeah. That part was great.
Caroline: OMG the number of Tom Bombadil jokes.
Kay: Yeah, they really miss him. Or like making fun of him.

Caroline: I'm back to watching Two Towers Rifftrax.
Kay: Anything good?
Caroline: They just referred to Mordor as "Detriot."
Kay: Haha, wonderful.
Caroline: And more Tom Bombadil jokes.
Caroline: Omg. Now they're making fun of Eragon.
Caroline: Gollum: "Swear on the precious." The guys: "And a nerd's online handle is born."
Caroline: "They always made her be Anakin because of her feelings about sand."
Kay: I love that.
Caroline: Remember that time Aragorn fake died in the movie?
Kay: Haha, yeah and had sex dreams?
Caroline: And made out with his horse?
Kay: Oh my God. Zeyd just said that.
Caroline: LOL. I see we're inventing gunpowder.
Kay: Indeed. And suicide bombers.
Caroline: Fun!
Caroline: "In time, Aragorn will die." A really short time actually. Like 5 minutes.
Kay: "On a post apocalyptic college campus."
Caroline: On the upside Liv Tyler's fake dad is way less scary looking than her real dad.
Kay: Too true.
Caroline: Faramir showed up to be a dick without my noticing.
Caroline: I had one entire wine and I think that, combined with Rifftrax, is making me too giggly to shower.
Kay: He really needs to chill in the movie. Also wish I was there. I am amused by tipsy Caroline.

Here's hoping we will watch Return Of The King Rifftrax together.

Some Thoughts On "Winter's Tale"

Oh, dear.

I know in my right mind that I shouldn't be trying to rationalize my feelings on this film so quickly after watching it but I have so many thoughts (the vast majority of them bad) that I really need to just embrace every silly, silly element and let it go so the healing process can begin.

As I have said in a previous edition of "Some Thoughts", I mostly want to talk at length about movies that I highly anticipate for some reason and, as a result of said longing, end up dissecting them in a way that produces large blocks of rambling text. And as with Les Miserables and Much Ado About Nothing, I have some back-story to explain why I wanted to see this film.

It all started with me IMDb stalking Jessica Brown Findley. Yes, I wish it had started differently and more profoundly but nope, I've chosen to wear my truth hat today. Let's just say I had a lot of feelings regarding Lady Sybil's death on Downton Abbey (she was my favorite character and I was particularly invested in her and Tom's relationship) and I wanted to see what leaving one of the most internationally popular shows in order to pursue a film career would bring her. I, unlike some, didn't get mad at her for leaving even though it did cause me to become less interested in the show and sob violently during her last episode. I probably would have done the same thing if I was wearing her shoes. She was in a really good position in terms of her recognition as a rising star and yet, she was playing a character who was not indispensable to the show (hence why I predict Dan Stevens might not do as well post-Downton as she has).

So anyway, I saw that she was going to be in Winter's Tale and I read a little synopsis of the book and immediately knew I had to read it. Anyone who has seen my book collection knows that there are two themes among the novels I read that pop up a lot: 1.) magical realism and 2.) taking place during a World War and often involving a love story that is intriguing but mostly meant to support some grander theme. Not to mention it has a bunch of characters with interweaving stories, another trope in a lot of my favorite novels, and it has a lot of extravagant language about the night sky and the beauty of winter. Extravagant language? Victor Hugo is one of my favorite authors. Stars? I literally have star prints all over my bedroom. Winter? I'm pretty much Lorelei Gilmore when it comes to the first snow of the season.

As luck would have it, I found a mass market edition of the book at my favorite used book store for a dollar. And it was awesome. There were a few parts that I thought didn't connect quite right, the rules of the universe could have been fleshed out more, and the ending was kind of incomprehensible but the whole was greater than the sum of its parts. I loved the language, the characters, the themes, the humor, and the weirdness that felt strangely natural.

And within twenty pages, I knew the movie was going to suck.

There was just too much in the novel to make a two hour film of it and when I finished reading I looked up the cast list and realized, without any real surprise, that over half the characters were missing from the movie. Then came the poor reviews and snippets of comments that were incomprehensible to me even having read the book, for example "Will Smith plays the Devil," and that made me not only think that it will definitely suck but that it might be outright offensive to have it share the name of the novel.

And, yes. Yes, I was right.

So because pretty much everything was bad by no hyperbole, instead of nitpicking how wrong everything was because that would take me forever and be ultimately pointless, I have decided to talk about how an adaption of Winter's Tale could/should have gone by means of comparison.

Plot:
This should have been a miniseries. Even as a miniseries it would have probably taken about 20 hour-long episodes but at least the medium would be more forgiving to the massive amounts of content the book possesses. All you need to do is follow the book exactly however I would recommend two things:
1.) Rearrange the order of events of the novel somewhat. The movie actually started with Peter Lake's parents and I think this was one of the few good choices made. Also, in this theoretical series, reintroducing Peter very briefly sometime in Book Two would probably do a lot for continuity. There are other examples where rearranging scenes would be helpful but far too many to list here.
2.) Add more dialogue. The book is fairly scant on dialogue because it's heavy on internal monologue but this might not play as well on screen (and is pretty much proven by the 2014 film where there is an ongoing monologue on the themes throughout the movie). Also there are a lot of bits in the book where it is written that characters talk but the novel only mentions the topics. A good screenwriter could expand this.

It also wouldn't be bad to expand the 1910s set portion so that it's a bit more 50/50 or at least 40/60 to the modern set part. The movie did do the 50/50 thing except that the second half was boring and something you couldn't bother to get invested in. This might be because the first half was mostly the plot of Book One and the second half was barely even the book; it was thrown together elements from the book to try to create repeated themes and a maximum amount of emotion. I will not get into said desperate attempts at tying ideas together or the random inclusion of Satan. I will not. Because I will throw things.


Characters/Casting:
Have all the characters from the book present and recast pretty much everyone in this movie.

Jessica Brown Findley can stay as Beverly Penn and I really don't think I'm saying this because I saw her as Beverly while I was reading the book. I actually tried really hard not to see her in the role when I read but she kept taking over. She really embodies Beverly well and it's very believable on her in a way I don't think many actresses could pull off. J. Finds has that ethereal perfectness to her that only works on some people. If Amy Acker were in her early twenties, she could have done it. My one weird gripe was that she had red hair and this is only my grip because in the movie they made it such a plot thing when Beverly in the book has blonde hair and her hair wasn't even particularly red anyway. It was the shade of red you get when you try to dye dark hair without doing too much damage. Also, teach her how to do an American accent.

Jennifer Connolly can also stay as Virginia Gamely. I was actually profoundly sad by how small her role in the film ended up being. Virginia in the book is so gutsy and peculiar and has so much to do and I would have liked to see her actually get to do something other than crying about her child.

Pearly Soames and Issac Penn must be recast. Russell Crowe is no longer a believable actor and not just because of the poor way the movie character was written. William Hurt has been phoning in roles since he won an Oscar. Why is he still in things? Pearly needs to be menacing even in his moments of utter color gravity and Issac Penn should be more of a quiet eccentric.
True story: When I first read the cast list I thought it said John Hurt would be Issac and I thought that might be kind of great. Oh, was I disappointed to find I had the wrong Hurt.

As for Colin Farrell as Peter Lake, it wasn't the worst thing ever but I kept wanting more from it. I kind of didn't believe his love for Beverly and his presence was just overall bland. Maybe with a better script (and a better haircut; jeez, was that distracting) he could have really pulled it off but he just didn't. Unfortunately, there appears to be a shortage of Irish actors in their 30s in Hollywood and I am terrible at fan-casting so I'm not the person to ask who should replace him. Unfortunately, the only actor I can think of who would meet this basic criteria and actually be strong and convincing in the role is Allen Leech but obviously that can't happen because:
1.) It would be hard to separate his and J. Finds roles from their roles on Downton Abbey. Although, here's the advantage: Peter Lake and Beverly would definitely have chemistry because we've seen these two actors together before. I mean, Joss Whedon cast Alexis Denisof and Amy Acker as star-crossed lovers twice too, although ten years passed in between those two roles.
2.) He's not actually old enough if you are following the book. What's kind of jarring about Peter and Beverly is the age difference and while they (thankfully) changed her age from 18 to 21 in the film, Peter Lake is implied to be in his mid-thirties so that there is a clear gap between them. Of course, I would argue that eliminating this gap would be more beneficial than detrimental to the story, but so it goes.

As for the all the Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Films: Hardesty, Jackson Mead, Wootfowl, Asbury, Christiana, Harry Penn, Praeger de Pinto, Craig, Virginia's mom, Jessica Penn . . . someone else fan cast this. Please.


Theme:
Again, to succeed just follow the book. The movie was so hellbent on thrusting in theme and motif when the book just kind of gave you a little joy if you found a connection before moving on to the next thing. It's especially weird that the movie even made the slightest attempt at pulling in the justice theme with the name of the toy boat when the movie was clearly not trying to write a love story to New York so much as it was writing a love story to, well, the power of love? Maybe? I mean, love is a theme in the book too but a lot of the book is just about New York as a microcosm of humanity. It's actually kind of hilarious that the British movie title is A New York Winter's Tale when the setting is so unimportant to the film. At least the title serves to further separate it from the source material.

If the movie just wanted to tell Peter Lake's story, it could have. It certainly tried to. There was enough time that you could have made this movie Peter Lake's story specifically and made a movie that is not a Winter's Tale but is still a good movie in its own right. But they didn't. They got hung up on giving Pearly a ridiculous background, messing entirely with the second half, and covering everything in cheese.

But you know what actually might be the worst thing?


Tone/Music:
I have said before that one of the most alienating things I can see in a movie is a sob scene that is not earned. Many Hollywood blockbusters try so hard for that cheap cry from the audience that if you have any semblance of how feelings work, you find yourself all too aware of the fact that you are watching a movie and that nothing is real. This movie is mostly just superfluous attempts at manipulating the audience to feel something. There's so much cheesy dialogue and strange reworkings of the plot for maximum emotional response (see: cancer child).

This is especially sad when you reflect on the fact that the novel was actually really funny and that when many people talk about the novel, they want to mention the parts that made them laugh. I remember the scene when Beverly and Peter have sex to be funny and sweet in the book but when I watched the movie I was laughing hysterically at how overly dramatic it was. The ultimate goal should have been to make something that balanced funny with dramatic and epic with thought-provoking.

And you know what I can blame even more specifically for this failure? The music. It was like every bit of music was pulled from a catalog where the intended feeling was the name of the piece. "Deep Sorrow". "Nerve Racking". "D'awwww".

Solution for my theoretical miniseries: Less music. If there's going to be music it should be more minimalist. And there definitely could have been more era-appropriate music.


Effects:
Quite simply, there should only be as many as absolutely needed. The effects should be as natural and unobtrusive as possible.


So did I like anything? . . . The costumes. I'm a sucker for 1910s fashion so I especially like Beverly's dress, which you can see the right, and the one she wears right after when she's walking barefoot in the snow. I also like Beverly's star-gazing tent which I now aspire to construct one day. And I did like the designs of the houses in the film, I'll admit. And . . . That's it. I liked visuals. There were some nice shots throughout the film that I enjoyed in a stationary kind of way. And that's what it really all comes down to, isn't it? This movie was beauty without any substance.

And now I'm ready for the snow to melt.

Top 10 Favorite Satans

It's more than a little shameful that I haven't written anything since June and I'm well aware of this. No movie reviews. No costume analysis. No totally random pop culture critiques. No personal nonsense  For a while I thought it was because of a lack of things to write about but now I can see that that is the symptom and not the cause. Every spare second of time that I have had in the last few months has been filled. If I haven't been running off to Washington DC, seeing musicals in New York or Boston, getting my colonial history on in Salem (one of my favorite New England towns) or rocking out to one of my all-time favorite bands in Nowheresville, New Jersey, I have been parking it in front of my computer filling out endless job applications. Of course, sometimes the end result of filling out job applications is the acquisition of a job and while I am super happy with said new job, I am now working two part time jobs resulting in over 50 hours a week which leaves little time for pop culture but a lot of time to brag about my adventures to coworkers.

The only thing I felt provoked to write about in the last few months in terms of pop culture has been about music, the only thing I have had any time for and that's mainly because of how much time I have been spending in my car. I thought about writing about how the rock genre is floundering in the 2010s (and the punk genre is dying) or something about the emotional connection one can develop with music but I haven't had time to research the first and I basically wrote the other one off as something for my personal journal. Other than that I've been managing to SLOWLY work my way through "Downton Abbey" which would be great for a costume analysis if I had any desire at all to get that many screencaps. And I really, really don't.

So instead, I'd like to talk to you about Satan.

He's one of my favorite literary characters, he's an element in a lot of people's religious beliefs, and he's very open to interpretation leading to all sorts of Devils in literature, film, television, and music. With Halloween, my favorite holiday as I wrote about last year, only recently past, the Devil has spent a bit of time on the forefront of people's minds and his horns on the top of people's heads (including mine) so I figured it might be interesting to rack my brain for some of my favorite versions of Old Scratch. He has looked like everything from an incomprehensible Nightmare Fuel beast to the mulleted and red-skinned finger-puppet on my bookshelf to Elizabeth Hurley and has an ever-changeable personality to match.



10. Beelzebub from "Beelz" by Stephen Lynch

The Devil has had a lot of influence in music. Some think he invented the rock genre (which isn't true but try telling the former Pope that). He has however been running with Van Halen, been given sympathy by the Rolling Stones, and apparently, fathered musical comedian Stephen Lynch. In the song "Beelz" off Lynch's second album The Craig Machine, Lynch starts by describing a fairly typical menacing interpretation of Lucifer before quickly flipping into a high pitched and feminine, "My name is Satan!" Beelzebub, but you can called him Beelz, describes himself physically in terms that seem conducive to a lot of the conventional ideas: goatee, horns, hooves. The album art even has a picture of him as a red-faced and horned stereotype and aside from Beelz's girly voice, he does seem to like typical evil things for the Devil. Of course, he also has some more unique hobbies including romantic walks, watching Fox News, and being a Red Sox fan. While I may not be a fan of baseball, as a part-time Bostonian it's nice to know that someone down there likes us.

9. The Devil from Tim Timebomb's Rock N Roll Theater

Sometimes the Devil doesn't come in the form of some kind of beast. One time the Devil came in the adorable form of a pink-suited Davey Havok with a John Waters-esque pedostache. Kind of a ham, as many devils are, he doesn't want to torture sinners so much as he wants to party with them and stage elaborate song and dance numbers. In the first episode of what will hopefully be more of Tim Timebomb's Rock N' Roll Theater, the devil is perfectly happy to be BFF's with our sinner main character, Dante Wison, and get him laid all in admiration for the debauchery he lived in prior to his sudden demise. But don't ever try to usurp him and fire his elevator girl. He may seem pretty harmless but he knows how to give you exactly what you deserve.

8. Satan from Dante's Inferno

One of the oldest interpretations of the Devil happens to also be one of the more unique and has been rarely built upon by all the literature, media, and music that has come after it. The Devil in Dante's Inferno can be found in the very bottom of the ninth and last level of hell, the level reserved for the traitorous, a level covered in ice that freezes the tears of its inhabitants. Physically, the Devil is a three-headed monstrous beast bearing the heads of who Dante considered to be three of the biggest traitors in history at the time: Brutus, Cassius, and right in the center place of honor, red-faced Judas. Satan is huge and ugly with bat-like wings that seem like they are trying to escape and spends his time crying tears of blood while chewing up sinners in his three mouths. Instead of being a scary figure or a manipulative one, this devil is portrayed as being intimidating but kind of ashamed and depressed, and, compared to his other representations, kind of pathetic. He's just another repenting sinner which makes this interpretation particularly contrary to most of the other ideas about Satan.

7. Satan from South Park

It's far more common for Satan to take on minions than it is for him to date but I guess if he's going to settle down, it would make sense for him to do so with an evil dictator. Saddam Hussein's ex-boyfriend is another one of those traditional red-skinned, horned monsters but don't let his appearance fool you. He can be pretty cuddly (although you probably wouldn't want to actually cuddle him unless you're one of his boyfriends). Sometimes he grants wishes to people who help him or decorates Hell for Christmastime to cheer up the sinners and he's actually pretty sensitive and nice. He puts on his scary face once in a while but it's pretty much an act. He always seemed to be less vengeful and more like just another one of the condemned, making him one of the Satans who is most similar to Dante's Satan. But Dante's Satan never put on a sexy schoolgirl costume. So there's that.



6. Kyubey from Puella Magi Madoka Magica

I'm gonna have to walk you through this one, especially if you have never watched an anime. Kyubey is not technically the Devil (although I could actually be wrong) but his role in the story is that of the Devil in the classic Faustian tale. He requests servitude from foolish victims in exchange for a wish and, of course, makes it seem like the payment will not be too bad and may actually be kind of a good time. No one knows the error of their desires until it is too late and he comes to get what he wanted. Hiding behind an innocent cat-like exterior with an unchanging expression and an equally cute voice, he almost seems more like a cousin of Hello Kitty than a creature who is out to feed off vulnerable girl's emotions and ultimately bring about the end of mankind to further his own goals. But he is. So don't make deals with talking creatures that look like Pokemon. 



5. Professor Woland from The Master And Margarita


For another Devil from the category of the "chilling with the humans" type, let us go to the Soviet Union. Woland is angered by the literary elite and their fervently atheist views and part of the reason why he seems to go there is to mess with both the people in power who don't believe in him the most and the greedy bourgeoisie. Strangely enough he also wants to throw a formal ball for all his famous sinners and, if she can endure the party, give an opportunity to a woman named Margarita to be with the man she loves. This Satan is still kind of arrogant and likes to punish sinners but he is not unfair when it comes to punishments and rewards. Physically, he takes on the form of a dark-suited man with a limp and metal capped-teeth and a funky eye although a lot of people can't agree on just how he appears. Unfortunately, Woland is frequently overshadowed by his team of crazy assistants and his motives are unclear a lot of the time so he only takes spot number 5.



4. Hades from Disney's Hercules

As often happens with Disney, the villain is the coolest character in the movie. Hades' goal is simple: overthrow Zeus, take over Mt. Olympus, and maybe pick up some souls along the way. He's a fast-talking deal maker, has frequently had enough of everyone's shit, and is kind of the sassy gay best friend to Megara, a woman whose soul he got in a deal. He also has some of the best deadpan lines in the film. For instance, when asked how things are in the Underworld he says casually, "We'll, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy, and, as always, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?" In an interesting contrast to most interpretations, Hades is blue-skinned and has hair made of a blue flame but turns orange and red when angered. He also rocks a grey toga with a little skull pin on it and has smoke instead of feet. He's a little uptight a lot of the time but maybe sometime he can steal a girl in a field and feed her some pomegranate. I hear that works out well for him.



3. Lucifer from The Devil's Carnival

"I'm not in the business of murdering innocent children. That's God's jurisdiction. I deal only with the guilty" may be one of the best Devil quotes ever. Unlike a lot of modern Devils, Lucifer has the appearance of a more ancient humanoid beast which correlates so well with his personality. He has the very calm demeanor of one who has seen and done it all and spends most of his time seated in his throne, letting his circus performer minions deal out punishments he has set. He may not be very friendly but he is logical to the point where you can't help but agree with him on the points he brings up. By the end he seems to have found renewed interest in his job with the goal of overtaking Heaven but I guess we'll have to wait for The Devil's Carnival 2 (whenever the hell that's coming, no pun intended) to find out how that goes. Oh, and he also has a wonderful bass-baritone singing voice.



2. The First Evil from Buffy The Vampire Slayer

The Buffy universe has a slightly different construction of its afterlife and theistic ideas than the conventional Judo-Christian set-up and as such, its Devil figure is also unique. The First is an incorporeal entity that can assume the form of dead people (including vampires and resurrected people), a power that allows for the ultimate in psychological manipulation. It has existed before people, before even the Old demons, before time perhaps. The First has one main goal: to throw the balance of good and evil in favor of the evil. As with all Devil figures, it cannot be killed, only suppressed, so the next time you start having a conversation with dead people, you shouldn't ask questions, just pick up and move. You probably live on a Hellmouth (I hear there's one in Cleveland). 

1. Satan from Paradise Lost

Okay, so it's kind of an obvious first choice but I would argue that it's still less obvious than if I had given Satan of The Bible the number one spot (and he really doesn't deserve it; however if I made a list of my favorite versions of God, Old Testament God would definitely make that list). The fact is, when I first read some of this poem when I was in high school, I was immediately struck by how John Milton portrayed Lucifer. He's written more like an anti-hero than anything else in his desire to be equal with God and his subsequent jealousy over Adam and Eve is more relatable than deplorable. He may be kind of arrogant but he is not unlikable. You love him and hate him simultaneously and I really think it was this interpretation of the Devil that made a lot of the other ideas on this list possible. Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven, indeed.

Some other notable examples:

* Peaches from Rocko's Modern Life
* The Devil who went down to Georgia
* Damien from The Omen


Now get behind me.

John Green Is An Amusing But Frustrating Author.

So I think I should get this out of the way first: John Green, the person, is awesome. He's hilarious and clever and incredibly quotable especially in the departments of "being a nerd" and "relationships." I have seen every episode of Crash Course: World History and a rather notable share of his vlogbrothers videos (as well as many by his brother, Hank Green). Hell, one time I even sat my mom down and made her watch his "How To Make A Baby" video and I never share anything with her. Plus, there's the fact that he's a Christian humanist which, as a secular humanist myself, fills me with joy whenever I find religious people who are also humanists.

So yeah, I think John Green, the person, is pretty awesome. I'd still never approach him on the street but I'm a colossal bag of awkward so that's more a comment on me than anything (one day ask me about all the famous people I have encountered in New York and had absolutely no balls to talk to). And as a fan of John Green, the person, I made it my mission to read his books. Yes, that noun was always plural.

So I ventured to the library and, as my usual frustration with my town's library goes, I was unable to procure Looking for Alaska, John's first young adult novel. Luckily, the day was not a failure as I did manage to find Paper Towns. The second I got home at around seven, I started reading and I was finished in the evening the next day. I thought it was really a fantastic read: very smart, likeable and interesting characters, a writing style that sounds like John Green talking, and a plot that kept me turning the pages with no effort. When I finished, I went onto goodreads.com, as I do, rated it, and read reviews. The positive reviews were mostly people talking about how awesome John Green, the writer and person, is so I ignored them. As it goes, the negative reviews were much more interesting. Most of them complained about the characters being too much like his other characters which, since this was the first book I had read by him, I didn't fully understand but it made me wonder what was in store for me the next time.

The library was kind to me and I managed to find Looking for Alaska the next time I tried. It took me a bit longer to read, maybe four days off and on, and when I finished I was conflicted. Like, "My feels!" conflicted. Yes, it's a sad book but it wasn't the sadness that pained me. What pained me was the fact that A.) I could see exactly what those reviewers were saying about the characters being too similar but B.) I HATED these characters so much in direct contrast with how I felt about the characters in Paper Towns but C.) I understood that I wasn't supposed to necessarily like them. And yet, and here's where the problem comes in: I really felt that it was the stronger book from a thematic and plot-based standpoint. The only thing I wasn't conflicted about was that the book had the funniest blow job scene I have ever read and probably will ever read and at least that cannot be taken from me (I photocopied it and read it aloud to my friends with voices; I can't do a Romanian accent at all). My hatred of the characters for being both unoriginal and unlikeable deeply conflicted with my feelings on theme and plot and as a book person myself, I eventually had to admit to myself that Alaska was far superior.

Next came Will Grayson, Will Grayson which I thought was okay but had a lot of faults, particularly in John Green's half of it, most notably those same character types appearing again and a romance that kind of distracted from what the book really seemed to want to say.

I just finished The Fault in Our Stars and I have to say I feel a little better about John Green, the author (the book, on the contrary, made me sob during my lunch break in a good way). It had a lot of the same things to complain about as before but it did feel fresher and newer than the others and for that I have hope.

If you're wondering why I haven't read An Abundance of Katherines, I have been unable to find it in the library. If you're wondering why I don't just buy it since I seem more on the plus side than the negative with John Green's books, it's because I can tell from the plot synopsis that even if it is good (which reviews don't seem to tell me), it's unlikely that I will like it more than Alaska or Stars. I like the tragic. It's how I roll.

But here's my main point: John Green can write a good novel. He has written Great novels. Alaska and Stars are novels I will read over and over and push on other people. But he has a notable problem with repeating himself in the way he writes his characters. There's having a style and then there's having a formula and John Green has developed a formula when it comes to his characters which can be a difficult thing to get past after reading more than one of his books.

It is in no way debatable that John Green can really write a smart book with an unpredictable and interesting plot. And that's why I'm so angry by the flaws.


SPOILER ALERT. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


Frustration: Characters

The John Green Character Set is an easy to deconstruct machine that applies to all 3.5 books by him that I have read except The Fault in Our Stars which is slightly different.

1. First you have the protagonist who is a sixteen year old boy. He is considered kind of a nerd, awkward to varying degrees, and has a good relationship with his parents and no siblings. In spite of his awkwardness, he is often rather clever in his speech and is usually subtly stated to get good grades and be one of the "smart kids." He is interested in a girl who will change the way he looks at the world.
Variations:
* Miles of Looking for Alaska is the biggest outcast of them all, apparently having no friends before switching schools which seems to be the only risk he had taken in life until that point. He wants desperately to fit in and seems rather prominently out of the loop with modern culture.
* Quentin of Paper Towns isn't much of an outcast at all. He has a solid group of friends and seems to have a lot of acquaintances and an ex-girlfriend but he takes pride in avoiding social conventions like prom. This distaste in high school culture gets stronger as the story goes on.
* Straight!Will of Will Grayson, Will Grayson has a flat out code about preventing himself from being a part of life although his aversion to feeling feels is never given a real explanation (trying to reduce his presence do to the overwhelming presence of his BFF?). He has to learn human feelings and does by the end.
[N.B. I'm kind of convinced this character is John Green himself or, more accurately, how John Green perceived himself as a teenager.]

2. Then you have the second most important character: the girl. She is pretty (often hot), curvy, very clever and funny. She's a terrible driver and has an interest in books and/or music and often has some poem that she thinks is very important. She is also kind of unpredictable because someone screwed her up and usually kind of pretentious. Oh, and she's taken. Sorry, protagonist.
Variations:
* Alaska of Looking for Alaska is this to a T. The important difference with her versus the other girls is that it is not just that she does random things, her moods are erratic as heck and she is often moody and bitchy. She's also really bad at being faithful. These unlikeable things about her are part of what creates one of the themes of the novel. Also, Miles never really gets her (neither romantically nor understandingly).
* Margo of Paper Towns is less screwed up than Alaska but with her we never find out why; just that her parents don't know how to treat her. We never see her drive but we do know that her unpredictability is not negative and is usually on a more grand scale for amusement purposes. Quentin only sort of gets her but he definitely understands her.
* Jane of Will Grayson, Will Grayson is very toned down from the other two. She's not necessarily unpredictable and instead of a poem she has a scientific theory. Jane is kind of the others only so much more safe and nice and unlikely to do something absurd. She's kind of boring in comparison. Will gets her but, in this case, Will and her is not really the most important part of the story.

3. Then you have the best friend of the protagonist. The best friend is the yang to the protag's yin. He is outgoing and energetic and actually understands the way high school works and wants to be a part of it. He acts as an important foil to the main character to support the theme.
Variations:
* The Colonel of Looking for Alaska is pretty much Miles' guide to the school, introducing him to his crew of friends and telling him who to avoid. He acts as the foil to Miles after Alaska's death because while Miles wants to live in his fantasies of her and not truly understand who she was and why it would happen, the Colonel forces him to consider why and face the hard truths.
* Ben of Paper Towns is the foil to Quentin because while Q becomes increasingly more detached from high school society, Ben becomes more of a part of it, feeling complete by finally fitting in and dating a popular girl.
* Tiny of Will Grayson, Will Grayson is a foil of Will in that he is not afraid of who he is or getting involved in people and love but what makes him distinct from the other best friends is that Tiny actually has a more important story than the girl of the story. In fact, in one school of thought, Tiny could easily be the main character of the whole book over both Will Graysons.

4. The other, sometimes best, friend of the protagonist. Often they are the most logical minded of the three guys, pointing out when the other two are going to do something that wouldn't be good. They are also a minority in some way.
Variations:
* Takumi of Looking for Alaska is one of the main schemers of the group but his most important moment comes from the fact that while the Colonel and Miles are suffering from Alaska's death with each other, Takumi is living in his own pain with the same guilt as them and they don't find out until much later.
* Radar of Paper Towns is the intermediate between Q and Ben. He does not get swept up in their new found popularity but he doesn't alienate himself from high school society. He is also very aware of where both Ben and Q lie on this spectrum.
* Those two guys of Will Grayson, Will Grayson don't really have a role aside from padding out the cast. Also, while the other two characters I mentioned are ethnic minorities, these two are gay which, in this book, puts them in the majority but puts them in the minority in reality.

5. There is also sometimes a token other girl. She is usually friends with the main girl and is a part of the group by dating one of the guys in it. Specifically you have Lara of Looking for Alaska who is friendly with the group and then dates Miles briefly and Lacey of Paper Towns who is Margo's best friend and dates Ben. Will Grayson, Will Grayson didn't have one.

***Exception.
The Fault in Our Stars doesn't quite fall into this pattern but it does maintain elements of it.
* Hazel is the main character and she does have some things in common with her male counterparts. She is kind of awkward and separated from regular teenage life but this is because of her cancer, not really because of her personality as far as we can tell. For this reason, she also has a close relationship with her parents. She has the same elements of being clever but considering things like that she got her GED and is in college, this doesn't feel too random either.
* Augustus is her love interest and in this case that is very literal. Most of the main relationships in the other books aren't really love and the book is about the main character understanding that, but this one is a love story. Augustus also has similar elements of his female counterparts. He's hot, drives poorly, and is clever. He isn't screwed up, however, and while he is definitely pretentious in his actions (he's very concerned with the metaphorical implications of things), his interests aren't. He likes video games and novels of video games and used to play basketball before discovering that he hated it.
Hazel's interests are actually closer to pretentious than Gus'. She quotes poetry like Alaska and has a favorite book by a flamingly pretentious author. However, she also spends hours watching America's Next Top Model marathons (those can be addictive). These varied interests of the main characters makes them feel more realistic than some of the others.
* Hazel has the foil best friend of Kaitlyn but Kaitlyn's presence in the story is really minimal even if she does have some amazing quotes about how bangable Gus is.
* Issac, Augustus' best friend, actually has much more presence in the story and he is actually very similar to Hazel in the way he views the world in relation to his disease.
* The other interesting thing about this story is that we get the male perspective in the other novels and we are very aware of the girl they are interested in but we don't have any real comprehension of the girl's perspective of the guy. In this book, because Augustus is hitting on Hazel, we know his perspective on her almost immediately after we get hers on him. Hazel isn't really given any physical description aside from her oxygen tank until Gus comes in and tells her she's hot and looks like Natalie Portman.


Amusement: Structure and Plot

Although John Green's characters may have a tendency to stem from the same basic ideas, his plots and the way he structures them are entirely unique and unpredictable every time.

Take Looking for Alaska. The book is entirely structured around Alaska's death, counting not chapters but the days before and after her death. I wouldn't call her death unpredictable necessarily. There are hints pretty early on in the book that things will not end well for her and the events immediately before are rather obviously looking to it, but the idea to build the plot like that, having both halves serving different but complimentary purposes, is brilliant.

Paper Towns has perhaps an even stranger structure. It is divided into thirds with the first and last sections surrounding the events of a single day and with the middle portion reading at a more traditional pace. The first section is all about the day and night out with Margo, the middle section is all about trying to find Margo, and the last section is about the road trip taken to get to her. The significance of a single day is practically a theme by virtue of the structure.

Will Grayson, Will Grayson obviously fluctuates back and forth between straight!Will and gay!Will with scenes and characters overlapping. The plot I will address in the next section.

The Fault in Our Stars is the most traditionally structured with chapters and no sections but it is fair to say that it falls into a strange space of time for the life of the main character and that's probably why it has such conventional structure. While the book is centered around her relationship with the male character, there are a lot of aspects about it that seem to drop the time into a random space. It takes place after the point in the time that the main character was supposed to die and it ends after her boyfriend dies but on a note that is both a cliffhanger for the future of the character but fully complete from a thematic standpoint. You get the feeling she will die prematurely as she always expected but the book doesn't let it end there.


Frustration: Will Grayson, Will Grayson

Okay so maybe it's harsh to get mad about one of his books, and one that he only wrote half of, but this book had a lot of makings to be good but fell apart for me.

First of all, this book started off as the story of two guys with the same name getting over their similar but different fears of connecting with other people (romantically, mostly). A solid premise there. The interesting thing is that they also get over this fear in the same way: a large gay guy named Tiny, best friend of straight!Will and brief boyfriend of gay!Will. This is all well and good but what got really muddled about this story for me was the fact that at some point it seemed like the story of straight!Will was long over, the story of gay!Will was ending and the story was actually about Tiny the entire time. The finale was certainly about Tiny and not really either of the Wills. It seemed like gay!Will might end up with his new friend Gideon but that was pushed to the side in order to honor Tiny. I mean, technically by organizing the "honoring Tiny" demonstration and dating Tiny/coming out, gay!Will has already grown without needing a new boyfriend but the fact that both Wills seem to have their stories end so much earlier than Tiny's is just strange.

I'm also not sure what we were supposed to take away from Tiny's story. Both Wills have "people connection issues" with gay!Will having depression and being self loathing and straight!Will living his life in the shadow of Tiny but both these issues are resolved with the magic of Tiny setting up straight!Will with Jane and being honest about him through his musical and then dating gay!Will and telling him the positive things he needed to hear. However, late in the story we are introduced to the idea that Tiny, in spite of all of his happiness, feels under-appreciated and pushed aside which is resolved by straight!Will realizing how important Tiny is to him and gay!Will setting up the demonstration with some assistance from a dozen other Will Graysons.

Is the message that everyone is insecure about their relationships, even the confident ones? Hiding parts of oneself was definitely a theme and this would fit.

Somehow I have managed to talk this into making a lot more sense than it did right after I finished the book and yet, for some reason, I am still kind of underwhelmed by the book, mainly John Green's part. Aside from the fact that the most important person to the main character is his best friend instead of a girl, I felt like a lot of the standard John Green character types were present but with less uniqueness and thought than usual and that was rather upsetting.

The most positive thing I can say about John Green's half is the moment when straight!Will realizes Tiny's importance to him and he gives this speech about how much he loves him made me tear up. Even, when he's not at the top of his game, he can sure as hell provoke a response.


Amusement: Theme

If you have to single out the one thing that makes John Green books worth reading, it is quite simply the fact that he writes books that are heavy in themes that really make you think about life. Some of his themes overlap from book to book but each one has a different feel and introduces at least one fresh idea to make you think.

Looking For Alaska:
* Idolizing the dead/False vs. real remembrance
* The impact one person can have
* The mystery of death
* Suffering
* Coming of age

Paper Towns:
* Perception versus reality
* Fitting in/high school society
* The moment you cannot handle life as it is

The Fault In Out Stars:
* Heroism
* Suffering
* Living with dying
* Leaving a legacy/False vs. real remembrance
* True love
* Fate vs. crazy random happenstance


Frustmusement: Dialogue/Inner voice/References 

I have mixed feelings about this combination of things. One the one hand, a lot of the characters seem to have the same inner voice and talk similarly but this relates back to the issues with character. On the other hand, even John Green's sad books have had moments where I was rolling on the floor laughing at the things the characters say. The overall writing is great of course but there are times when the dialogue feels a bit too clever and well planned which ends up disrupting your involvement.

As for references, there are a lot of references to things that John Green loves in his books but I think this is really only clear to people who know about John Green, the person. I love that John Green sneaks things he likes into his books but I can't help but feel like the characters he writes are all Nerdfighters in some weird crossover universe.
Some things I've managed to pick out:
* Listening to the Mountain Goats, John's first, second and fourth favorite band (Paper Towns).
* Going to Amsterdam where John lived for two months (The Fault In Our Stars).
* Saying something looks like conjoined twins, one of John's fields of expertise.
* References to Schrodinger (Will Grayson, Will Grayson).
* His favorite paradox ( The Fault In Our Stars).
* Religious studies class, religion being one half of John's college major (Looking for Alaska).
* Living in Orlando/Chicago/boarding school (Looking for Alaska, Paper Towns, Will Grayson, Will Grayson).
* "This Machine Kills Fascists" is on his laptop and the Woodie Guthrie poster (Paper Towns).
* Nerdfighter Esther Earl and Hazel have the same cancer and obviously she was the basis for the story, The Fault In Our Stars. Even the fact that the author in the story wrote his book to give his daughter a better fictional life seems similar to what John was doing for Esther.
And there's probably more I can't think of.


Final Thoughts:

Read John Green. Seriously. Preferably Alaska or Stars but Paper Towns is good too.
I wouldn't write such a long entry if I didn't love.

And I may have to update this later with my thoughts on Abundance of Katherines because the shape of my Christmas present from my boyfriend indicates that he got me John's box set of books. SO EXCITED. Shh, don't tell him I know.

DFTBA, Nerdfighters.
 

***UPDATE: I read An Abundance of Katherines and I have to say that it is hands down John Green's weakest book. It unfortunately fits the character profile I made up pretty accurately with some slight variations, as there always are. The main character is a prodigy, the girl is actually fairly boring and it seems like he was trying to make her as far from Alaska as possible resulting in kind of a first draft of Margo, and the two best friends are combined into one who is the only character I found particularly likable (and this was a case where we were supposed to like the characters). There were again, really solid themes this time of Fame, identity, community, story telling and remembrance, and what matters to you defines your mattering. The big problem was actually a surprising one: the plot wasn't very good. The premise itself was kind of silly and the whole general idea of hanging out in small town America just isn't interesting to me. The silly premise also makes it hard for the plot to move forward so it just kind of clunks along to a conclusion, not really earning its themes like his other books do. It was still funny and certainly not a bad read but it was rather unnoticeable which is something you usually can't say about John Green's writing and that alone makes it kind of a disappointment.