My Guilty Pleasure Movies

I watch a lot of movies and I have said before that my preferred choices of movies really only fall into two nonspecific categories: very good movies and very bad movies. I don't like to watch movies that aren't well crafted and smart or so bad they're funny. But what happens when I do watch movies that are in between? Those films that are not good but are not bad enough for me to laugh it. There lie my guilty pleasure movies, movies that I actively enjoy but can't really justify my liking of them. Whenever I talk about them with other people I  need to clarify that I KNOW they aren't good but I am going to watch them anyway. This is that list.

Some of these I thought of off the top of my head and for the rest I looked through the movies I had on my hard drive because therein lies the truth. If it's on my hard drive, I saved it for a rewatch. These are all films I can't in good faith rate higher than a 3/5 but there's a place for them in my heart anyway

Albatross (2011)

I doubt many people have seen this one. It's a British indie film starring Felicity Jones and Jessica Brown Findley and it's pretty mediocre. JBF is a bad influence on Felicity Jones because she wears t-shirts with risky slogans, flashes a cashier to buy liquor underage, and has sex with Jones' German author dad. There is a great use of the word "fuck trumpet." Aside from the actresses and the liberal water shots, I think part of what I like about this movie is how it's so middle-of-the-road indie that I die. The bad girl isn't that bad. The girl sleeping with her friend's dad trope is so overdone it's ridiculous. I somehow relate to both girls. I want to go to the sea.

Angels And Demons (2009)

Dan Brown is a garbage writer and this was the first book I read by him. I was in high school and I enjoyed it on a simple adventure mystery fun level while knowing it wasn't actually good so it wasn't too big a surprise when I enjoyed the film too. The plot is super contrived but there are so many things I like about this film. Science vs. religion. Rome and lots of running around Rome looking for historical stuff. Ewan McGregor as a priest making me want to sin. I actually watched this WHILE IN ROME because I am the worst.

Another Gay Movie (2006)

I watched this twice in one week the first time I saw it. It's basically just a gay version of American Pie but I genuinely think it's better than American Pie. Four gay friends want to lose their virginities before they graduation high school. Spoiler: they do. The jock and the nerd fall in love. The awkward one has a three way. The flamboyant other has the Stifler's grandad plotline. The more I think about it, the harder it is to actually distinguish from American Pie which also isn't good but I'd much rather watch this one. Plus this one gave me the word "Aberzombie" and the song "Everything Makes Me Think About Sex." There was a sequel which had ridiculous musical numbers but wasn't good. (I watched a lot of gay romcoms in college including Eating Out and But I'm A Cheerleader which might warrant rewatches)

Halloweentown (1998)

This one might not really count as a guilty pleasure so much as it's nostalgia but still. I just like magic and would want to live somewhere where it's Halloween all the time. 

Live Freaky! Die Freaky! (2003)

This movie was a full on thing with my friends in college and then we started spreading it like an STD to everyone we know. It's a claymation musical about Charles Manson and the Manson Family voiced by people in the rock community. Seriously. Billy Joe Armstrong plays Charles Manson. Davey Havok plays a gay hairdresser. Kelly Osbourne plays Sharon Tate. This movie is just tasteless and I love it so much. It's highly quotable and wildly inappropriate.

The Purge films (2013, 2014, 2016)

Every time a new one comes out I just have to watch it and I hate this about myself. The problem is that the concept of The Purge is so interesting and each movie hints at something more profound about it but each new installment is just another violence-fest pandering to the lowest common denominator. The first movie specifically takes place in a home after a boy lets a homeless man (a veteran at that; both topical now and specifically applicable to the fact that the Purge means no more military) into their house and a bunch of rich college students want him out so they can kill him. This classism is further expanded in the second movie about a bunch of people stuck outside in the city during the Purge. The idea of a resistance group who believes the Purge is meant really to control the poor is established as well as human hunting clubs for the rich. In the third a presidential candidate is running on an anti-Purge platform and her opponent wants to have her dead before the election. The ideas of Purge tourists and Purge-as-a-religion are introduced. Honestly, I will keep watching these if they keep making them but ultimately what I want is for the idea to land in the hands of someone who could make them a cerebral mediation on current issues.

Shock Treatment (1981)

The sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show barely resembles the movie it follows. The town of Denton has been turned into a game show (or something) and Brad and Janet are the contestants although Janet is now played by Jessica Harper and Brad is some guy who isn't Barry Bostwick. I don't know what's happening most of the time but the songs are just as bananas as the ones in Rocky Horror. I especially love Jessica Harper's deep voice and the song "Looking for Trade."

Showdown In Little Tokyo (1991)

I have seen a lot of 90s martial arts movies (my best friend is a martial arts instructor so this is entirely his fault) but most of them are bad movie night quality. This movie, starring my favs who aren't Cynthia Rothrock, Dolph Lundgren and Brandon Lee, is definitely a dumb 90s martial arts movie but it's trying to also be a buddy cop movie so it manages to be slightly better quality while still being silly as hell. I have seen this movie at least five times and I can't really tell you the plot but I think it has to do with a drug bust in Little Tokyo. Brandon Lee's character is half-Japanese but comically knows nothing about Japanese culture while Dolph Lundgren really knows what's up. It's full of odd lines and odd line reads ("That was nuts!") and it's just delightful.

Sorority Row (2009)

I have seen this movie at least fifteen times. I'm not even sure if I can explain why. It's just so ridiculous. I knew I had to watch it after hearing my junior year college roommate (who was in a sorority, by the way) laughing hysterically at the opening scene. It's pretty much your typical horror movie but I find it hilarious and some of that humor seems to be intentional. It has so many great things. You know who is going to live from the very beginning. The head bitch is practically a sociopath in how she responds to people (and is funny). The pop music score is kind of brutal and badass. Carrie Fisher has a shotgun! RIP.

The Crow (1994)

I feel like some people would argue that this movie is too good to be a guilty pleasure but honestly, it's not that good. It has a lot of style to mask how not good it is. I basically watch this movie like porn because Brandon Lee is so pretty in it. Also for the strangely realistic way he shouts out, "OH FUCK!" when he gets shot in the leg. RIP.

Vampire Academy (2014)

Another movie I watched twice in one week. I think I secretly like some dumb teen girl shit. The plot of this movie is so convoluted but I love the cheesy lines, the weird premise, the totally inappropriate relationships, the fact that it is one of TWO movies that exist where people get into a car accident while listening to "Bad Girls" by MIA, and vampires who are not like your vampires.

Underworld (2003)

Speaking of vampires who aren't like your vampires. What a dumb action movie that is so much fun!

I am horrible.