So, while exploring Rifftrax previews late last night I stumbled upon one for the movie "Batman & Robin", a movie I had no intention of seeing after hearing various versions of, "It will make you cry" and watching The Nostalgia Guy's description of it.
But alas, like telling some one not to push the button, I had to watch it.
I fail.
Obvious comments aside (bad acting, bad costumes, bad scenery, bad puns, bad everything), I have some other comments about story continuity to make:
Why is Poison Ivy in love with Mr. Freeze? It's a totally illogical pairing. Mr. Freeze's love for his wife aside, they just don't work. Poison Ivy is often the crazy feminist of the Batman villains. If she were to fall for anyone it'd probably be Harley (they've had awkward naked fights in the Arkham showers before according to one comic I read). I think she would be good with the Riddler; they both wear green.
Would it really be so hard for Barbara to be Gordon's daughter like she actually is? It is strange how Gordon hardly shows up in this movie when, if I remember correctly, he had pretty decent amounts of screen time in "Batman" and "Batman Returns" (and plenty of screen time in Nolan's movies). And if she's from England, why no accent? If she's not going to do the accent couldn't they at least have a plot point that she grew up in America and is only going to college in England?
Why have Bane in the movie if you aren't even going to have a slightly accurate back story? Riddle me this.
Speculative question: Would a romance between Dick and Barbara make the movie better or worse? Actually, probably worse. I'm guessing they were saving that for "Batman Triumphant", the planned fifth Batman movie also to be directed my Schumacher, which never actually got made because this movie sucked so hard. I'm glad it didn't because they were going to write a resurrection of the Joker and have Harley Quinn be his daughter. Say it with me now: Ew. Although that leads me onto another confusing thought: who reproduced with the Joker? Which leads me into an even creepier thought of, who would reproduce with Jack Nicholson? He scares the shit out of me in every movie he's in. Actually maybe that's why Harley would be his daughter; No one wants to see the young doctor with Jack Nicholson's Joker. Too creepy. Heath Ledger's Joker probably could have had a convincing relationship with a Harley Quinn though. Especially when he abuses her.
And finally, both Catwoman (side complaint: she supposed to have dark hair! Ivy and Barbara are redheads and Harley is blonde.) and Poison Ivy have movie backstorys way less cool than their actual backstorys. Why? And why are they so similar?
Observe:
1.) Take a hot mess chick with dorky glasses and a submissive personality:
Selina Kyle as a secretary
Pamela Isley as a clearly absent-minded botanist.
2.) Note how she has no one in the world but does have a love of something.
Selina: Cats
Pamela: Plants.
3.) Insert disturbing revelation regarding their controlling male employer.
Selina: Can't remember. Just that it's Christopher Walken.
Pamela: Boss is using her research to make Bane (with intention of making army).
4.) Boss tries to kill chick after he knows she knows.
Selina: Pushed out window.
Pamela: Pushed into plant chemicals.
5.) While nearly dead, one thing they love surrounds them and they become like what they love.
Selina: Cat swarm.
Pamela: Vines everywhere.
6.) Fashion slutty costume and develop new found confidence.
7.) Fall for the wrong guy anyway.
Selina: Batman.
Pamela: Mr. Freeze.
Honestly, this formula blows.
Actual stories:
Selina: In the original story she is a flight attendant with amnesia (soap opera) who turns to crime afterwards. Later revealed she was lying about the amnesia and actually just had fun robbing and leaving her abusive husband.
The other story is that she was left orphaned by her mom committing suicide and her alcoholic father drinking himself to death (who may actually be Carmine Falcone). After various bad experiences in the orphanage she uses prior gymnastic and martial arts training and becomes a prostitute/dominatrix. Then turns to burglary.
Pamela: Grows up in Seattle with rich, neglecting parents. Becomes a botanist. Is seduced by boss who tries to kill her with plant toxins (either as an experiment or because he doesn't trust her to keep secrets). She lives and develops crazy immunities. Decides she won't get fooled by men again. Hence why she's always trying to save Harley from the Joker after they meet and become BFFs.
The End.
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