On Family Structure

Two of the most annoying things about the argument against gay marriage/families is the idea that allowing gays to marry will somehow destroy the sanctity of marriage and that a homosexual couple would be unable to raise children properly. The people who make this argument strike me as the same kind of people who somehow missed the sexual revolution (both of them). These are the same people who are currently raging a war on women's health when they clearly have no idea how hormonal birth control works or why people take it. Literally every one of my friends who is on the pill did not start taking it as a contraceptive but took it initially to regulate or mitigate periods. I personally was put on it when I was 16 because I hadn't gotten a period for nine months, I was vomiting everywhere even though I was unable to eat because my hormones were out of whack, and I had more acne than I ever have in my life.

But I digress because I could talk about the women's health issue for a whole entry and never get to my actual point here.

My point is there is no reason why a child needs to be raised by two parents and there is no reason a child needs to be raised by two parents of different genders. Divorce may be seen blasphemous to religious folks and those campaigning for "family values" (although apparently not as blasphemous as gay marriage; Gingrich, how are the ex-wives?) but sometimes it is the right answer. And I don't mean for the parents; I mean for the children.

This is where I get personal so be warned. Ever since my AP English class in high school it has been clear to me that there is an idea that children of divorced parents are somehow less intelligent and "normal" than those who have married parents, an idea that never crossed my mind before since most of my friends have had divorced parents too. In that class my teacher asked us how many of us still had married parents for the sake of relating reality to an article we were reading on family structure and sure enough I was the only one whose parents weren't married. The only one. Later when I went to college I was reminded of this when someone said to me, "Your parents are divorced? But you're so smart!"

Here's the thing: I understand why there's an idea that children of married parents are generally smarter than children of divorced parents. You have two people to learn from and generally a larger income to facilitate a better education. You also have two people to care about whether or not you are succeeding.

The thing that is never taken into account with this idea, however, is, "what if one of the parents is actually negatively affecting their children?"

My parents separated with I was seven. Prior to the divorce I didn't think too hard about people, relationships, or whether or not my family structure was a good one. My mom stayed at home and raised my brother and my father came home from work every day around dinner time. The only alone time I ever had with him was when my mom went to exercise classes at night and sometimes on the weekends. I don't remember ever seeing my parents show affection but I only remember them arguing once and it was right before they separated.

I was unaffected by the news of the divorce after learning that I wouldn't have to move and I would still see my father fairly often. He moved into an apartment until the divorce was finalized and then into his mistress' house.

It was during this time that I actually got to know what kind of person he was. For one thing, he was weirdly strict. My mom's requests were always things that struck me as reasonable like, "Be inside by 8:30 so you can calm down before bed." He would do things like force us to eat everything he put on our plate. his mistress' cooking was pretty terrible and our tastes were never considered when meals were planned. I had to force down so many marshmallow fluff sandwiches that nearly made me vomit.

He was always disinterested in things we wanted to talk about and never had a complimentary thing to say to us. He had a crippling inferiority complex that I would later see as one of the reasons for the divorce. He would sometimes go out of his way to take us to cool places like playgrounds and science museums and introduced us to PG-13 movies but he would mostly leave us alone for long periods of time when we didn't have any other kids to hang out with. I much preferred time with my mom simply because she always acted like she cared about us.

My moment of revelation occurred one day when I went to his house and saw a wedding picture of him and his mistress. I was confused: we were his kids; why were we not invited to this event that should be significant for us? He explained that it was because they got married in Florida, but her family had taken the trip with them and he didn't even tell his family.

Shortly after, he moved a 12 hour drive away and we weren't given any reason for it. He spent lots of time after this taking my mother to court to try to pay less child support, losing badly each time. After about six months, he was only calling us once a month, if that, for no longer than five minutes and he blatantly wasn't listening half the time, just repeating a rhythm of, "cool", "great", "awesome" until he could make an excuse to hang up. The last time I had to see him I was 14 and I spent the whole trip abandoned sick on his couch while they all went out. He sent my mom the medical bill afterwards and took her back to court to pay less child support, the trip having been a plan to try to prove that he was spending money on us on his own even though that was the first time we had gone to see him in three years. He continued to send cards but he stopped talking to us entirely right after. The last time we saw him, and probably the last time we ever will, was at his father's funeral. I was 19 and my brother was 15. I refused to speak to him. He shook his hand but didn't say anything. The rest of his family gave him the cold shoulder as they had always sided with my mother. The last communication I had with him was a cruel e-mail not long after that which made me cry for an hour.

Whenever someone tries for even a second to take pity on me for being estranged from my father, I immediately shut them up. If my parents had not gotten divorced, I would be a different person than I am today. I probably would not be poor and could continue my education instead of having to work part time (since I can't find a full time job) to pay off thousands of dollars in college loans but I imagine I would be both incredibly unhappy and unwavering ignorant about the world at large. After my parent's divorce, I vowed to understand people, relationships, why people do the things they do and I've become rather good at cultivating this understanding. My father would have destroyed my life, my mother's life, and my brother's and I am so thankful that he is not part of it.

I have a friend who often seems to be a reflection of what my life might have been if my parents had never divorced. Her father is a constant negative presence in the lives of his family but her mother won't divorce him because she doesn't know how she would get by financially without him. She's depressed, her mother is depressed and her brother has behavioral issues. I try to help her however I can but I really wish there was more I could do than just try to make her feel better and insist that it won't be too long before she won't have to live under those conditions anymore.

So again, I must wonder: why are things like family structure still being treated in such specific terms? Why is it bad for a family structure to be unconventional? Being a married heterosexual person who has fathered a child does not necessarily make you a good father any more than birthing a child makes you a good mother. And adopting a child and raising him/her with your partner who is the same sex as you does not mean your parenting structure will be unbalanced or deficient.

I leave this blog with a quote from my mother. She and I don't often agree (she occasionally thinks I'm insane) and she can make quite a few insensitive comments but this was one of my favorite quotes of hers regarding the gay marriage debate: "I don't know why gay marriage is even being debated. When I was younger, interracial marriage was not allowed and now people look back on that and can't understand why we thought it was wrong. One day it will be the same with gay marriage."

Let's hope, mom.